ugh. finally!?

yes. i have done it.
i am sorta semi ashamed.
i gave into peer pressure.
and got a tumblr!
i was frustrated i couldnt comment on ppls tumblrs!
my blogs are like tumbles anyway.
that's me trying to justify mahself.

http://aileenwithit.tumblr.com

for your enjoyment.
maybe i shall post more often...

dirty

yeah, that's right, Jesus.
I'm kicking and screaming at you right nahh
and struggling to hang on and also to let go.

what are you going to do about this, Jesus?
i am such a mess...

blast from the past

i realized that.
sometimes i try to erase people
from my past.
as if clicking that 'delete' button on facebook
will forever and ever delete them from my mind
and erase those memories hidden away in the back of my brain.

and then i freak out
when God sometimes brings these people
BACK into my life.
and forces me to confront them,
and ask all the tough, awkward questions
and forces me to CARE
and to LOVE.
and to learn to LOVE.
and he asks me,
"why are you trying to force them out
when i'm not done with you and ______, yet?
don't you trust that
i'm bigger than your ideas, conceptions, memories,
mistakes, hurts, miscommunications?"

oh, God, won't you bring restoration
to my past. thanks.

i love

watching MOBILIZATION happen.
seeing people and things come together.
simply because i took a few steps of obedience,
sacrificing and possibly risking my time and efforts.

But God is so good, because He doesn't meet me halfway.
He meets me FULLway.

Jesus, you DO answer prayers,
and it's so LOVELY to see that!

alleluiah!
alleluiah!
alleluiiahh!
your love makes me sing. (:

i think that

i want to be an initiator of change.

hummm

i think i quit my blog.
sorry blog.

probably because real life is so much better
than living out loud on the internet.
so i quit.
for now...
but we'll see...

it's a sister thing...

so my sister,
for her "about me" section on facebook
has this:
"i make mistakes.
im out of control
&at times hard to handle.
but if you cant handle me at my worst,,
then you sure as heck dont deserve me at my best."
and im always impressed!
that she put a warning label on her fb profile
yet people are still friends with her.
thats just how awesome she is!!

it always makes me think about what i would say
about myself, if i had such a label...

probably something like this:
"i am radical,
im blind-sighted
& always have words for everything,
but if the worst of me is all you see,,
then you'll never know me at my best."
hmmm.... not as threatening.... x)

i think this deserves some recognition...

ang pamilya ko!


the kids i chill with.
lolo arvin, jay james, and mac.
is it sad that i love them??


my handsome younger bro, jay. and beautiful sister grizel.
jay is an amazing drummer. and grizel rocks at keyboards.
my family is so talenteddd!


pelikoy! or abel jr. he's my baby brother. our bunso!
the cutessst boy i ever did meet.
and he worships like an angel!


silly kids. pelikoy, lolo, and mac. some of my favorites..
if i had any. sometimes i think everyones my favorite because i have so many!


daryll, grizel, jay, lolo arvin.
i loveeeee this picture of them!
because it describes them SOOOO well.
this is them at their best!
going home on a pedicab... away from meeeee. wahh! ):


this lovely lady to my left is momma gomez.
it's official. i am a gomez. i look strange, but maganda ang nanay ko!
and the cuties to my right are my dfic sisters. tooooo cute for words!

ze youth. you can see jay with his killer smile. what cuties! (:
i love them ALLLLLL!

tapos na?

i know that God answers prayers.
He's answered every single one of mine.

this trip,

i've SEEN things i hadn't seen before.
that were there all along
that i had been too distracted to see before.
the work that God is doing in all parts of the world.
that my sisters and brothers in the philippines
are my family.
not just acquaintances
or people i will see just once or twice.

i've LEARNED to love,
to accept,
to be hospitable, compassionate, patient...
what it looks like to love and serve
as Jesus did.

i've BEEN BROKEN.
and sick. and afflicted.
and also restored. healed.
cleansed. purified.

i've DEPENDED on Jesus.
clung to him like none other.
praying through anything that comes my way...

i've LOVED first.
and foremost.
and deeeeeeeeeeply.
and not only did i love.
but i am still loving.

i've DECIDED
that it can't end here.
i don't want this to be a post-mission high.
but a life change.
it's not enough to feel these things.
and realize and learn.
but its important what i DO
with what i learn and feel and realize...

Jesus.
please answer this prayer.
that i will walk with you daily.
and live by faith, hope, and LOVE.
and all these things i've felt and learned
will be as real to me every day from here on out
as they are to me today.

so i lift my eyes to you, Lord.
in your strength will i break through, Lord.
touch me now.
let your love fall down on me.
i know your love dispells all my fears.
through the storm i will hold on, Lord.
and by faith i will walk on, Lord.
then i'll see beyond my calvary one day.
and i will be complete in you.

Jesus, please complete me.
continue the work you've begun in me.
and see me through it alll.
continue to renew my mind,
inside and out, every day.
may i always and forever desire you as my everything.
and may i never forget the gifts you've given me
may i never take anything you give me for granted.
may i always remember.
and though this year's trip to the philippines is over.
may this only be the beginning.

tapos na? hindi.

maraming salamat po!

here are a few requests of prayer
for my philippines trip, which i will be gone to
july 1-11...

-UNITY of our team in LOVE
the kind that covers over a multitude of sins
(1 Peter 4:8)
and that we may be patient with everyone,
especially one another
(1 Thessalonians 5:14)

-STRENGTH found in God alone
the kind that renews us
and lets us soar on wings like eagles
and run and not grow weary
and walk and not be faint
(Isaiah 40: 29-31)

-PROTECTION from satan
heavenly authority given us
to trample on snakes and scorpions
and to overcome all the power of the enemy,
letting nothing harm us
(Luke 10:19)

-God's GLORY to be shown through us
that we may shine before men
and they will see our good deeds
and praise our Father in heaven
(Matthew 5:16)

-that we would only and ALWAYS
rely on God alone as our source.
(Psalm 73:26)
that we would be faithful to what God's called us to
but also at the same time know that it is God doing the work,
not us. (Psalm 46:10, Philippians 1:6)

pagpalain kayo ng Diyos!
maraming salamat po. ♥

praying for my philippines trip.

and maybe the rest of my life.

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like you have loved me
break my heart for what breaks yours
everything i am for your kingdom's cause...

Jesus.
Help me to HEAR You
& then to be strong
confident
bold
enough to obey.
Be in me the wisdom to discern
and the strength
to move on if You say so,
to hang on if You say so,
to let go if You say so,
and even to sit still and wait
if that is what You ask of me.

Jesus.
Will You make me simple-minded?
so that i may not discriminate
or see the divisions and barriers
that keep me from loving certain people
or certain groups of people?
Will You make my mind single-mindedly,
WHOLLY, totally, and completely
for You?
Please give me an undivided ♥ for You.
And also my sight?
May i not see judgments
but merely Your beloved, beautiful people
who You LOVE with all Your heart
and will always love
regardless of what they say or do.
May i not see myself
but simply a channel of Your LOVE
who is to pour out into others,
Regardless of the consequences.

Above all, help me to love deeply
with the kind of love
that covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).
with Your kind of love that never fails (1 Corinthians 13)
and not to us, but to your name be the glory (Psalm 115:1)
forever and ever and ever.

in the beautiful, lovely lovely name of Jesus,
Amen.

head knowledge to heart knowledge

so many times, i have so many theories.
but i refuse to believe them enough
to make them relevant in my life.

but thank GOD!
that he knows.
and he breaks through
every time
with a divine intervention
that makes my knowledge flee
from my head to my heart.

one GREAT lesson of today:
tis certainly true...
because we can't accept ourselves
exactly as we are.
and we want to be like the other person,
out of brokenness of self,
we end up hurting each other.
and cause the breaking down of another.
over and over again.
by refusing to accept the other person the way she is.

i've realized this for a while in my head.
but i know it in my heart, today.

probably the greatest cure is LOVE.
the kind of love that has no bounds
and is overflowingly eternally from our lover Jesus.
the kind of love that covers over all sin.

but why is it so hard for me to humble myself.
and accept this LOVE
and share this LOVE
by accepting my sister the way she is?
and accepting that i will never be like her.
but that is completely Okay.
because we are who God's made us to be.
each different people.
with different skills, talents, passions.
different habits, different priorities.
and why can't we just let our differences go.
and just LOVE each other. freely.
in the freedom that only Jesus love can bring?
no more criticism, envy, jealousy, discord...
no more fights, tears, and harsh words
about not being like the other...
i can do this with everyone
EXCEPT the person i've grown up with for almost 20 years.
the person i am supposed to love MORE
than my other friends.
the person who shares the most genes with me.
the person who supposedly knows me best.
and whom i know the best...

i pray for a miracle to come true this night.

you make all things new

this PROMISE is embedded into every morning.
this is my why morning time is my favorite. ♥

--my response to psalm 37
and seeing the gorgeeeous
partly cloudy daegu sunrise
at 6:30 in the morn.

so high school.

as i prepare to face
possibly the hardest day of my summer,
tomorrow...
i can't help but feel.
so.
nervous.

okay, so maybe i am being a drama queen--
no surprise there.
but seriously.
i just don't understand why..
people at my high school
make me feel so
insignificant
NOT worthwhile
uncool
little.
simply because i don't live the same kind of
lifestyle that they do...
or value the same things they do...
and though i claim i don't care what they think.
it does affect me a lot.
i shrink in their presence.
i'm ashamed.
i change the way i talk to accommodate them.
and hide who i truly am,
showing only what i think is acceptable in their eyes.
but why must i do this?
why can't i just be myself
and be proud of who God's made me to be.
bold and confident
and strong
in knowing that having God's acceptance
is SO much more than enough.
even if i don't have theirs.

if i want make a radical difference in this world
won't there be many people who are always against me?
won't i sometimes be required to stand "alone"?
why is it so hard for me
to LOVE God and fear Him
more than the opinions of this world?

but that wasn't the end of the story...

this is a sequel post to my previous post titled,
"i hate shopping"
i didn't plan on it being a prequel
but God said otherwise...
so here is the rest of the story.

i've started running again.
i started with 3 miles.
and then 4.
now i run 5 miles on a...
semi-regular basis.
this is nothing short of a miracle
because my attitude towards exercise
has been one of disgust
ever since i started college.

my parents always insisted that regular exercise
is VITAL. even if my first priority is studies.
i've slowly learned this my own way.
since my last post,
a series of very fortunate events
has unfolded
to make me change my mind.
and see things with a new attitude.

1. i remembered a sermon my cousin gave (hes a youth pastor)
about spiritual disciplines.
he included daily exercise as one.
his argument:
if you're not willing to invest in your physical health
and go out and exercise regularly,
you're probably not going to be opening up the Bible
and investing time reading and studying it.
while this logic is not completely accurate,
i got the gist of what he was saying.
and i found that to be true in my life.

2. i needed to know God's theology about exercise.
so i did my own Bible study.
on laziness. and body.
and i kept seeing over and over again
the themes of
a) laziness = foolish
and b) i should be taking care of my body
because tis the place Jesus resides in me.

3. i ran into my high school
softball coach//basketball coach//cisco teacher//lifelong mentor
maybe.. a week ago... or so.
i might mention that
he's one of the few teachers i've known since middle school
and one of the even fewer Christ-centered teachers of daegu.
we went to the same church for yearrrrrs.
he's such an awesome person,
he's always looked after my sister and me
since.. forever. and i really value his advice.
we talked for like 30 minutes in the PX.
and at one point he asked me if i did any sports.
and, in order not to be rebuked, i said i did im softball.
and he said,
"oh yeah? that's good. it's always mind, body, soul.
you know at a place like your school,
all they emphasize is mind, mind, mind.
but you need that balance: mind, body, and soul."
it was such a 7th-grade health class lesson.
but when he said it,
it was an epiphany for me.
maybe that's why i struggled so much the past year.
because i hadn't invested in my body...

4. the guest room, aka my room, in my parents house
has a dresser full of my sister and my clothes,
leftovers of what we couldn't take with us to college.
i was sitting on the bed one day
when i looked on top of that dresser
and saw all the trophies.
and the three big plaques on it were mine.
and all three of them were for my hs achievements
in none other than cross country.
MVP, Scholar-Athelete, All-Conference
for TWO years, each.
my collection of bling in my 5 years of varsity running...
i don't mean to brag,
but dude, i was FAST.
one of the top 15 girl runners in all of Korea for 2 years.
AND valedictorian of my school.
no wonder the other girls hated me.
and it was when i looked back on that time
that i realized that God had done something
IMPOSSIBLE in my life.
how crazy is it that i enjoyed RUNNING,
of all things, and had excelled in it.
the thing that so many other people detest.
i learned so many lessons through it
and it was so much a part of who i am
that i even wrote my college admissions essay about it.
and even though during hs,
running replaced Jesus in my life,
running gave me a goal, a great work ethic,
and kept me sane and super positive.

and through my recent runs,
i realized it's still a passion that i have.
i LOVE racing.
and i LOVE training.
timing myself,
pushing myself to the limit,
seeing myself become faster and faster...
and when i run, i don't think of how hard it is
and how tired i am.
i think of life. i pray. i enjoyyy it.
that's my time of relaxing
and receiving from God.
i just think maybe this excitement
and desire to run is God-given.
and maybe God still wants to do something with that.

so with an open mind and open heart,
i've started training.
not because i want to lose weight.
for a triathlon, i say.
but for what?
i actually don't know.
maybe i'm training to run the race of life...

i hate shopping.

today, my mom and i went shopping.
my first korea shopping experience in a long time.
and during this 3 hour endeavor.
i came to a series of questions//frustrations.

1- why must i be skinny or try to lose weight
to fit into fashionable clothes?
why is there a right weight and a right body size?
and why does it matter that i strive to meet that ideal?
i gained a lot of weight in the past school year.
so much to the point that i am SO ashamed of my body.
when i first saw my parents at the airport,
the first thing my dad said to me was,
"you gained a lot of weight, aileen, you know that?"
and this is the first time that my parents tell me to work out
and they're SERIOUS. and they keep insisting. on a regular basis.
this has never happened to me before.
i was always the skinny one of the family.
i was the dog who they fed their scraps to.
i was the one they tried to tempt with junk food late at night.
and this fact. my shame. and the source of it.
kept coming up as i tried on dress after dress
at the department store today, and found that i couldn't fit into many.
and then theres the fact that korean clothes sizes range from
size 0 to size 5 in ladies.
and i was constantly reminded that i'm not a "korean lady".
and honestly sometimes, i wish that i was.

2 - so why does it matter if i dress fashionably or not?
why does it matter so much what i wear?
why is it so important that i have the trendiest outfits?
and why do i feel so inferior when i feel like i'm under-dressed?
why do i have to dress like im an adult now that im 20,
and WHO decided that 20-year-olds must dress a certain way?
i've realized that...
i am a product of the fashion ideals of mom and sister.
taking whatever scraps they hand me, left and right,
listening to what they think i should wear and
filling my closet with such clothes they would approve of.
because, as i always say, "i suck at fashion."
but today, i got to thinking.
why do i need to be bossed around about what i wear?
why does it matter if my clothes fit
what my mom think is "fashionable" or "classy" or not?
throughout my years of shopping with mom and sister,
their lace-loving, black and white, vest and big-shirt styles,
i'd had my medium of expression of self suppressed.
if everyone has style,
then doesn't that mean that i have my own, as well?
and if i do, who actually cares what other people say?
but i look at the clothes that i wear now.
and see what the more fashionable people around me wear.
and i think, "dang, i wish i could dress like that."

3 - i'm so broken.
i have a lot of issues. things i always struggle with.
self image, ethnic identity, consumerism... to name a few.
i think that all of the frustrations listed above
hide in them deeper frustrations i have with myself.
things like...
not being able to love myself how i am,
trying to figure out how korean or how american i am,
feeling inferior to my sister,
trying to live out justice... to name a few.
and because of my deep struggles,
even mundane, everyday things like shopping bother me
and rub me the wrong way.
when they shouldn't.

i just want to play in the ocean...

i came to the realization. that.
this is my first...

i've NEVER missed a major IV retreat/conference.
nso, fall con, doc, urbana, apa, sup, chapter camp...
heard of it? i've been there.
at least once.
if IV were school, i'd have perfect attendance.
and an A+.

and this is the first retreat that i've missed.
and it happens to be the HUGEST retreat of the year...
man oh man. what a change.

i'm kinda sad, i'm not gonna lie.
i'm worried, just a tad bit.
because those places are where relationships are strengthened
and new relationships are formed
as well as where a wellspring of inside jokes
and millions of memories are made...
only accessible to those who have been there.

for the FIRST TIME,
i'm not a part of that...
i feel like i've become an outsider in the IV community.

but. at the same time.
when i look up from this screen.
and SEE, with my own two eyes,
and remember where i am.
i have no regrets.

i see how God has blessed my parents.
even this house is SUCH a blessing.
we're on the 15th floor,
and our living room wall has HUGE windows
that overlook the Pacific Ocean and Busan Harbor.
i can even hear the waves crash against the rocks
right now.
and my home church in 대구
and the people i consider my family there.
it will be so good to see them.
and my social studies//history teacher
i've known since 8th grade.
it will be oh SO wonderful to see her, too.
and talk to her about the history classes i've taken in college.
and even just the opportunity in july to
GO to the philippines...

i think though...
this is the first time i haven't done what is expected of me.
(which would be to go to chapter camp)
and now i'm wondering.
'do i truly believe that God will work
regardless of me--my decisions,
my situations, my expectations?'
will He still speak to me here?

one of the most memorable parts of chapter camp last year
was when we had a retreat into silence for a few hours.
i sat on the beach of the lake.
after taking a walk around the lake.
with God.
waiting...
and God spoke to me.
maybe... the first ever recorded time in my life
where i distinctly remember hearing God's voice.

and... maybe the truth is that.
it's not really the new friends,
new inside jokes, new memories that i'm scared to miss.
but an opportunity for God to speak to me.
that i'm scared i'll miss...

i think, though,
God is trying to teach me that...
He'll do it. and He is bound-less, limit-less.
He doesn't need a retreat to tell me what He wants to say.
maybe He wants to break my idea of Him
and expand it into a larger one.
maybe He just wants me to hang out with Him at home.
or dance with Him in my huge living room
or go swim with Him in the ocean that's become my backyard.
maybe He just wants me to BE with Him...

im too blessed.

Says Chris Luo in our time of affirmations for U1sg leaders,
"Yeah, like everyone else said.
I think you're a very intense person, Aileen."

Thanks, Chris.
Intense I am,
and intense I shall be... (:

cuz this makes me smile!

what goes on on my ichats at 1 in the mornnnnn. (:

whatSUP yo! - a reflection

finally.

*warning: this is a long one.
but don't say i didn't warn you.!

i think i didn't realize the full extent of what SUP meant to me
until today.
i feel like my SUP story was NOT FULLY ACTIVATED
until AFTER the experience itself. and like. a month and half later...

honestly.
i had very little expectations of SUP
because... i had been looking forward to spring break
when i would be able to get away from classes
and the business of sg leading and running around.
and just stop.
and breathe.
and actually.
i was a little bitter.
well.. okay.
i was REALLY bitter.
because everyone else got to GO HOME.
and i could not.
and i didn't want to stick around.
i felt like i sacrificed SO MUCH for sg leading.
and not having been home since last summer
was taking its toll on me... in the form of bitterness.
i was just REALLY upset.
that... life didn't go how i wanted it to.
i felt like i always got the short end of the stick.
and i didn't want to be in berkeley.
i didn't want to be at sacramento.
i didn't want to be anywhere.
i just wanted to hide and be at "home"
but at the same time,
i didn't know what "home" meant to me anymore...
or even where my "home" was...

and so me going to SUP
was me fulfilling my duty as a sg leader.
and also me doing what was expected of me.
and me just being bitter against God
and saying. "okay.
well since i can't go home,
i might as well go to SERVE.
since i'm being miserable.
i might as well go all out."
and while SUP was SO good.
and i learned oh SO much there
and had a lot of my questions answered.
inside, i harbored a LOT of bitterness
and resentment.
and that especially came out when...
we had campus sharing time.

to be honest.
i struggled that time because...
my image of God wasn't FULL
and my idea of leadership was distorted.
i measured a good leader as equal to one who serves
and DOES a lot of things.
and id just put so much stock in my identity as a leader.
i felt like i ALWAYS needed to DO things.
and so...
i felt like the things we discussed at SUP
were things i had already learned about before,
had wrestled with,
and felt like i had failed
because i could not fully carry out what i had learned
and my expectations about them had not been met...
and then to hear other people from Berks
say that they want to try all these new things
and just be so in awe
and so inspired by our SUP community...
that made me upset and angry.
because...
they hadn't tried to help us out before
when WE attempted them!
it just seemed so unfair
cuz us, leaders, had been working so hard for ivccf
while other people hadn't cared before
and then now those people who hadn't cared
were finding so much joy and inspiration
while I, who had worked so hard, found hopelessness.
i was oh so resentful. maybe even jealous.
so even after coming back from SUP,
i couldn't say that i had a life-changing experience
like a lot of other people could.
because to me,
SUP was just a good time of fellowship,
rediscovering old truths,
seeing kingdom values lived out,
and just meeting new folks and forming relationships.
i mean, it was a big deal, but in my mind,
it wasn't life altering or life changing.
i think this is why i felt no need to blog about SUP before...

today, i went to merced.
it was a spontaneous endeavor.
but surprisingly, one throughout which
i just TRUSTED God, and said,
you make all things work together for my good.
and if you want us to go to Merced, you will get us there.
and God really followed through.
and not only did He take us there,
but He revealed so much to me through the trip itself.

i realized the LOVE and ENTHUSIASM
and just APPRECIATION we have for one another.
and its been truly a blessing to be able to partake in that.
i saw that even when i wasn't faithful to God--
my attitude when i was going to SUP and afterwards--
God was still SO faithful to me.
and He really just brought my whole year together
through this one visit.
and i really just. feel.. ready.
to take on anything. to pour out into everything.
and oh SO inspired. to give my 100%.
to live freely, and to live fully.
and really just experience God's lavish love for us
by SHARING it with others:
no bounds,
no expectations,
no strings attached...

i think what i am trying to say is.
i am living proof that God is Love.
He really has brought me through. thick and thin.
and He really has worked out ALL things together. for.my.good.
even when i didn't see or realize it.

this is not just a post to ramble on and on about SUP,
emphasizing how AMAZING it was (which is true)
and how good it is to be able to see the SUPpers again. (also true)
but to really THANK YOU who are in my life.
i REALLY love God.
i REALLY love ALL of you.
yes. ALL of you. nondiscriminant of SUP experience.
because without those around me.
i wouldn't have been able to experience
and materialize HIS love and grace.
YOU have been the answer to my prayers!
and i can say with confidence that
God ANSWERS PRAYERS!
because..
i'm pretty sure He's answered
every single one of mine...

i'm ready and excited for more!
and i think i've finally found a place i can call "home"
even away from home.
..i'll just leave it at that. (: