preptalk

i'm prepping for another longgggggg night in studio.
and i know.
that i will fail.
that i will be lacking.
that i will be criticized.
that i will be let down.

but despite this.
i am enough.
because of you.
and because i have meaning in you,
i will do all these things.
and be glorious in your eyes.

i most definitely AM NOT

so i'm feeling super convicted right now.
because i'm super messed up.
and i just keep seeing all the places where i fail.
like i realized.
that i am such a hypocrite.
cuz although i preach justice and mercy...
i have none to spare for others.
i play favorites.
i don't love everyone.
i am biased.
i don't care about things that don't interest me.
i'm stubborn.
i hear others, but i don't listen.
i'm eager to express my opinions and talk about myself.
i waste so much time.
i spend too much money.
and i complain SO SO much.
and for someone with a lot of complaints,
i'm FORSURES lacking in action.
i know this is not a good place to be.
to wallow. and to sulk.
but this is me right now.
and this is really upsetting.
because even after hearing SUCH a good word today.
and having spent SUCH a good time with Jesus.
at the end of the day,
i return to focusing on me.
and how much i am lacking.
and how things aren't going well for me...
its as if i didn't learn anything at all.
i don't love.
i'm not patient or longsuffering or enduring.
i'm not trusting.
i'm not hoping.
i'm not joyful.
Jesus is not enough for me.
and this makes me want to lay down and CRY.

me, mE, ME!

I'm amazed at how much I dwell on me.
If you've talked to me recently,
you would know...
For some reason,
the topics of all of my conversation
comes straight back to one thing -- ME.
Honestly, these days I just feel like...
I can't have a normal conversation with other people
in which I express my love for them
and how much I care about them
because I'm SO consumed in thoughts of MYself.
I'm SO caught up with ME.
I can't think of anyone else.
I just constantly catch myself
talking about me. for SO long!
And who I am hates who I am being.
This really is not a good way to be, for me.
I'm really not liking it at all.
Seriously, even just consider this blog post.
How many times have I used the first person pronoun??
Someone stop me, PLEASE!!!

And what is with this feeling of apathy??
aka. lack of feeling?
I'm just.. void of feeling right now.
I'm not tired.
I'm not happy.
I'm not excited.
I'm not sad.
I'm not angry. or upset.
I'm just apathetic.
and that frustrates me.
Because I don't think this is how my Father
created me to be...

rush of fools.

there IS a reason for every thing.
i see it now.

good thing i didn't put my trust in such things.
because otherwise, i would have been let down.
and crushed. once again.
like a foool.

but i'm no fool.
i'm spirit-filled.
and wise through Him who strengthens me.

city sunrise

In the dark
we only see streaks of light
and glimmers of hope
But after the sun has risen
and the fog has lifted,
we see the beauty
of the space
in this place.
And it is worthwhile to be here after all.

"I will hide my face from this city because of all its wickedness. Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." -Jeremiah 33:5-6-

love & blessings

we love you Jesus
for so many reasons
for death
and life
and freeedom
even now we love you...

we love you Jesus
in and out of seasons
and valleys
and on top of mountains
even now can we sing...

we love you Jesus.

----------------------

Healer.
was one of Jesus' titles.
Healing was part of His work.
Yet!
When news about Him spread
and people came to hear and be healed,
Jesus often withdrew himself
from the crowds
to the lonely places
and prayed.
My theory has always been that...
If I don't have enough time for something,
I will MAKE time by waking up early
and sleeping heckof late.
But maybe that's not what Jesus wants for me.
Because He grants sleep to those He loves.
Maybe I am being called to drop some of what I do
and stop wasting my time on useless things.
But what is useful & useless -- I do not know.
That requires discernment.
That requires divine intervention. in my life.
Being led by Jesus -- which means I FOLLOW.

Jesus lead me.
Help me keep my eyes on You.
I only want to go where You lead me.
Because only where You lead me is blessed.
And I want to be blessed. ♥

my heart's desire ♥

maybe it's called ambition
but we've been talkin' in our sleep
about a dream.
we're awakening. !

"Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart."
[Psalms 37:4]

hmm...
I know it's not a good thing to be motivated by this.
But sometimes I think I hold on to Jesus for this reason.
Because He is a loving God
who CARES about us
and our needs
and what we desire from the bottom of our hearts.
And though it is hard to live like we believe this.
I have firm faith that God will provide
all things I want and need and ask for.
So I think I know that God will give me a shot at my heart's desire.
I think He will give me a shot at love.
I think He will give me a chance to live in what I love the most.
I think He will give me the opportunity to do what I love the best.
And it's just so comforting to think about.