today.
i saw my drivers license for the first time
in a long time.
and what i saw on it shocked me.
across the front,
in red,
it says,
'AGE 21 IN 2010'
this shocked me because
it IS 2010.
i'm gonna be 21 this year...
in 9 months, to be exact.
oh MY.
definitely not a kid anymore. ):
2.09.2010
2.05.2010
PARENTAL control
dang, i must look STUPID to God.
i must look SO FOOLISH!
i just learned the grace of a parent's love.
God's love.
to put it into context...
i've had a somewhat revolutionary day...
i'm not exactly sure when it started,
but i'm pretty sure that it began in my tagalog class
when my professor was advertising
southeast asian studies as a major/minor.
and i thought, "DANG i would LOVE that!"
but i only thought of it for 2 seconds.
cuz if i continued on this current doublemajorinurbanandlegalstudies path,
i had NO TIME to major or minor
or even continue taking tagalog classes.
later...
ten minutes into my history of southeast asia class,
i thought, "WOW, this stuff INTERESTS me.
i would LOVE to study this ALL DAY LONG."
history usually puts me to sleep,
i'm always SO awake for my history 111b classes...
and so i began to think.
why NOT?
what's keeping me from just studying southeast asia?
and its PEOPLE.?
because that's actually what i LOVE...
and i remembered my current path:
my doublemajorinurbanandlegalstudies path.
and then i wondered what major could possibly
let me study what i actually WANT to study.
already long story short,
i decided to go for an interdisciplinary studies major.
specifically, international law and human rights... for now.
with an emphasis in southeast asia region.
i dropped studio.
i dropped urban studies.
i dropped legal studies. sort of.
okay, so i can't quite say that my decision came slowly
and very patiently
with much prayer and thoughtfulness.
i'm known to act on impulse.
but this one. i had no choice.
my studio class is tomorrow
basically, all the arrows pointed to me dropping it.
now. today. this moment. fast.
but also very prayerfully.
and then i wanted to tell my parents.
because usually i can tell when i'm on God's path or not
because my parents either support me.
or they don't.
so i called my mom.
she LOVED it.
she was so happy for me.
so was my dad.
they told me how they had
never thought urban design was right for me.
and they had wanted to tell me to quit it
so many months ago
when i had been crying my eyes out about
not being good enough
and struggling to get by in school and studio...
but the thing is.
they DIDNT.
all because i had loved it so much.
at that time, anyway.
my dad said he didn't tell me what to do
because he knows i'm the kind of person
who needs to find out for myself
or else i would have regrets in the future.
they TRUSTED that God would lead me on the good path
and they TRUSTED that i would be listening and obey.
how mind-blowing!
all this time,
as i was running around,
trashing my body with starvation and coffee,
getting by on not enough sleep
and trying so hard to do something that's not for me
and in the end would not really benefit me much
and ALL THAT MONEY that went into that major!
ALL THIS TIME
they just sat by and watched...
wordlessly.
bringing up the possibility time and again.
but never saying it flat out...
letting me make this HUGE mistake.
a very COSTLY one, at that.
just because they love me.
and then i thought, "i must look so foolish!"
AND THEN
i thought, "DANG, i must look SO FOOLISh to God."
this must be how God sees us ALL THE TIME.
whenever we are going around and messing up our lives.
we must look so silly.
and so stupid.
trying to get by on decisions that we think are for us.
when actually they are not.
but the whole time He's watching,
He knows, ultimately, in the end.
He knows the outcome, BUT!
He lets us make those mistakes.
He lets us screw ourselves over.
He lets us find out for ourselves.
He LETS us do whatever we want
even if those things not good for us.
How crazy!
How ridiculous!
the fact that God would trust this world to man.
such love and grace and trust.
i definitely cannot wrap my head around.
because if i were God,
i would not trust man with such things.
and another scary thought:
my parents are becoming more and more like God...?
i must look SO FOOLISH!
i just learned the grace of a parent's love.
God's love.
to put it into context...
i've had a somewhat revolutionary day...
i'm not exactly sure when it started,
but i'm pretty sure that it began in my tagalog class
when my professor was advertising
southeast asian studies as a major/minor.
and i thought, "DANG i would LOVE that!"
but i only thought of it for 2 seconds.
cuz if i continued on this current doublemajorinurbanandlegalstudies path,
i had NO TIME to major or minor
or even continue taking tagalog classes.
later...
ten minutes into my history of southeast asia class,
i thought, "WOW, this stuff INTERESTS me.
i would LOVE to study this ALL DAY LONG."
history usually puts me to sleep,
i'm always SO awake for my history 111b classes...
and so i began to think.
why NOT?
what's keeping me from just studying southeast asia?
and its PEOPLE.?
because that's actually what i LOVE...
and i remembered my current path:
my doublemajorinurbanandlegalstudies path.
and then i wondered what major could possibly
let me study what i actually WANT to study.
already long story short,
i decided to go for an interdisciplinary studies major.
specifically, international law and human rights... for now.
with an emphasis in southeast asia region.
i dropped studio.
i dropped urban studies.
i dropped legal studies. sort of.
okay, so i can't quite say that my decision came slowly
and very patiently
with much prayer and thoughtfulness.
i'm known to act on impulse.
but this one. i had no choice.
my studio class is tomorrow
basically, all the arrows pointed to me dropping it.
now. today. this moment. fast.
but also very prayerfully.
and then i wanted to tell my parents.
because usually i can tell when i'm on God's path or not
because my parents either support me.
or they don't.
so i called my mom.
she LOVED it.
she was so happy for me.
so was my dad.
they told me how they had
never thought urban design was right for me.
and they had wanted to tell me to quit it
so many months ago
when i had been crying my eyes out about
not being good enough
and struggling to get by in school and studio...
but the thing is.
they DIDNT.
all because i had loved it so much.
at that time, anyway.
my dad said he didn't tell me what to do
because he knows i'm the kind of person
who needs to find out for myself
or else i would have regrets in the future.
they TRUSTED that God would lead me on the good path
and they TRUSTED that i would be listening and obey.
how mind-blowing!
all this time,
as i was running around,
trashing my body with starvation and coffee,
getting by on not enough sleep
and trying so hard to do something that's not for me
and in the end would not really benefit me much
and ALL THAT MONEY that went into that major!
ALL THIS TIME
they just sat by and watched...
wordlessly.
bringing up the possibility time and again.
but never saying it flat out...
letting me make this HUGE mistake.
a very COSTLY one, at that.
just because they love me.
and then i thought, "i must look so foolish!"
AND THEN
i thought, "DANG, i must look SO FOOLISh to God."
this must be how God sees us ALL THE TIME.
whenever we are going around and messing up our lives.
we must look so silly.
and so stupid.
trying to get by on decisions that we think are for us.
when actually they are not.
but the whole time He's watching,
He knows, ultimately, in the end.
He knows the outcome, BUT!
He lets us make those mistakes.
He lets us screw ourselves over.
He lets us find out for ourselves.
He LETS us do whatever we want
even if those things not good for us.
How crazy!
How ridiculous!
the fact that God would trust this world to man.
such love and grace and trust.
i definitely cannot wrap my head around.
because if i were God,
i would not trust man with such things.
and another scary thought:
my parents are becoming more and more like God...?
1.30.2010
hiding in honesty
how long must i pray, must i pray to you?
how long must i wait, must i wait for you?
how long til i see your face, see you shining through?
i'm on my knees, begging you to notice me.
i'm on my knees, father will you turn to me?
one tear in the driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain
could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one light, that's all i am. right now i can barely stand.
if you're everything you say you are.
won't you come close and hold my heart. ♥
---tenth avenue north.
how long must i wait, must i wait for you?
how long til i see your face, see you shining through?
i'm on my knees, begging you to notice me.
i'm on my knees, father will you turn to me?
one tear in the driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain
could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one light, that's all i am. right now i can barely stand.
if you're everything you say you are.
won't you come close and hold my heart. ♥
---tenth avenue north.
1.24.2010
stand up. speak up.
"Seeking justice and
respecting the image of God
in everyone requires
knowing when to speak up &
when to gracefully stay silent."
-Julie Clawson, Everyday Justice
a revolutionary idea.
because we are not only called to love
those who are in need of justice
somewhere far, far away
in a distance third-world nation.
we are also called to love even those around us:
the privileged, the comfortable, the ones who have.
What makes us think that
God will send us to love the people
in dire situations of Cambodia,
when we can't even love the people
in stressful situations around us?
respecting the image of God
in everyone requires
knowing when to speak up &
when to gracefully stay silent."
-Julie Clawson, Everyday Justice
a revolutionary idea.
because we are not only called to love
those who are in need of justice
somewhere far, far away
in a distance third-world nation.
we are also called to love even those around us:
the privileged, the comfortable, the ones who have.
What makes us think that
God will send us to love the people
in dire situations of Cambodia,
when we can't even love the people
in stressful situations around us?
1.14.2010
"you will experience greater things than these."
walking on water is my task.
trusting in Jesus is my purpose.
the winds of my failures
and the waves of my imperfection
are my distractions.
this world storms around me.
but Jesus always remains constant.
He says, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
and holds out His hands
to catch us when we think we're sinking.
He says, "You of little faith,
Why did you doubt?"
because with Jesus, we can walk on water.
and if
walking on water is my task.
and trusting in Jesus is my purpose
then even the winds of my failures
and the waves of my imperfections
cannot distract me.
and though this world storms around me.
one thing remains constant ---
i can always walk on water,
in Jesus' name.
Amen.
trusting in Jesus is my purpose.
the winds of my failures
and the waves of my imperfection
are my distractions.
this world storms around me.
but Jesus always remains constant.
He says, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
and holds out His hands
to catch us when we think we're sinking.
He says, "You of little faith,
Why did you doubt?"
because with Jesus, we can walk on water.
and if
walking on water is my task.
and trusting in Jesus is my purpose
then even the winds of my failures
and the waves of my imperfections
cannot distract me.
and though this world storms around me.
one thing remains constant ---
i can always walk on water,
in Jesus' name.
Amen.
12.15.2009
my first language
감사해요
깨닿지 못했었는데
내가 얼마나 소중한 존재라는것.
태초부터 지금까지 하나님의 사랑은
항상 날 향하고 있었다는것.
고마워요
그 사랑을 가르쳐준 당신께.
주께서 허락하신 당신께.
그리스도의 사랑으로 더욱 섬기며
이제 나도 세상에 전하리라.
당신은 사랑받기위해
그리고 그 사랑 전하기위해.
주께서 택하시고 이땅에 심으셨내
또하나의 열매를 바라시며.
깨닿지 못했었는데
내가 얼마나 소중한 존재라는것.
태초부터 지금까지 하나님의 사랑은
항상 날 향하고 있었다는것.
고마워요
그 사랑을 가르쳐준 당신께.
주께서 허락하신 당신께.
그리스도의 사랑으로 더욱 섬기며
이제 나도 세상에 전하리라.
당신은 사랑받기위해
그리고 그 사랑 전하기위해.
주께서 택하시고 이땅에 심으셨내
또하나의 열매를 바라시며.
12.09.2009
God
if you're going to make something of me
can you do it soon, please?
because i dont know how much more of this
i can stand.
can you do it soon, please?
because i dont know how much more of this
i can stand.
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