finally.
*warning: this is a long one.
but don't say i didn't warn you.!
i think i didn't realize the full extent of what SUP meant to me
until today.
i feel like my SUP story was NOT FULLY ACTIVATED
until AFTER the experience itself. and like. a month and half later...
honestly.
i had very little expectations of SUP
because... i had been looking forward to spring break
when i would be able to get away from classes
and the business of sg leading and running around.
and just stop.
and breathe.
and actually.
i was a little bitter.
well.. okay.
i was REALLY bitter.
because everyone else got to GO HOME.
and i could not.
and i didn't want to stick around.
i felt like i sacrificed SO MUCH for sg leading.
and not having been home since last summer
was taking its toll on me... in the form of bitterness.
i was just REALLY upset.
that... life didn't go how i wanted it to.
i felt like i always got the short end of the stick.
and i didn't want to be in berkeley.
i didn't want to be at sacramento.
i didn't want to be anywhere.
i just wanted to hide and be at "home"
but at the same time,
i didn't know what "home" meant to me anymore...
or even where my "home" was...
and so me going to SUP
was me fulfilling my duty as a sg leader.
and also me doing what was expected of me.
and me just being bitter against God
and saying. "okay.
well since i can't go home,
i might as well go to SERVE.
since i'm being miserable.
i might as well go all out."
and while SUP was SO good.
and i learned oh SO much there
and had a lot of my questions answered.
inside, i harbored a LOT of bitterness
and resentment.
and that especially came out when...
we had campus sharing time.
to be honest.
i struggled that time because...
my image of God wasn't FULL
and my idea of leadership was distorted.
i measured a good leader as equal to one who serves
and DOES a lot of things.
and id just put so much stock in my identity as a leader.
i felt like i ALWAYS needed to DO things.
and so...
i felt like the things we discussed at SUP
were things i had already learned about before,
had wrestled with,
and felt like i had failed
because i could not fully carry out what i had learned
and my expectations about them had not been met...
and then to hear other people from Berks
say that they want to try all these new things
and just be so in awe
and so inspired by our SUP community...
that made me upset and angry.
because...
they hadn't tried to help us out before
when WE attempted them!
it just seemed so unfair
cuz us, leaders, had been working so hard for ivccf
while other people hadn't cared before
and then now those people who hadn't cared
were finding so much joy and inspiration
while I, who had worked so hard, found hopelessness.
i was oh so resentful. maybe even jealous.
so even after coming back from SUP,
i couldn't say that i had a life-changing experience
like a lot of other people could.
because to me,
SUP was just a good time of fellowship,
rediscovering old truths,
seeing kingdom values lived out,
and just meeting new folks and forming relationships.
i mean, it was a big deal, but in my mind,
it wasn't life altering or life changing.
i think this is why i felt no need to blog about SUP before...
today, i went to merced.
it was a spontaneous endeavor.
but surprisingly, one throughout which
i just TRUSTED God, and said,
you make all things work together for my good.
and if you want us to go to Merced, you will get us there.
and God really followed through.
and not only did He take us there,
but He revealed so much to me through the trip itself.
i realized the LOVE and ENTHUSIASM
and just APPRECIATION we have for one another.
and its been truly a blessing to be able to partake in that.
i saw that even when i wasn't faithful to God--
my attitude when i was going to SUP and afterwards--
God was still SO faithful to me.
and He really just brought my whole year together
through this one visit.
and i really just. feel.. ready.
to take on anything. to pour out into everything.
and oh SO inspired. to give my 100%.
to live freely, and to live fully.
and really just experience God's lavish love for us
by SHARING it with others:
no bounds,
no expectations,
no strings attached...
i think what i am trying to say is.
i am living proof that God is Love.
He really has brought me through. thick and thin.
and He really has worked out ALL things together. for.my.good.
even when i didn't see or realize it.
this is not just a post to ramble on and on about SUP,
emphasizing how AMAZING it was (which is true)
and how good it is to be able to see the SUPpers again. (also true)
but to really THANK YOU who are in my life.
i REALLY love God.
i REALLY love ALL of you.
yes. ALL of you. nondiscriminant of SUP experience.
because without those around me.
i wouldn't have been able to experience
and materialize HIS love and grace.
YOU have been the answer to my prayers!
and i can say with confidence that
God ANSWERS PRAYERS!
because..
i'm pretty sure He's answered
every single one of mine...
i'm ready and excited for more!
and i think i've finally found a place i can call "home"
even away from home.
..i'll just leave it at that. (:
5.06.2010
4.27.2010
not cool.
this morning
as i was walking into ramona's
i ran into a guy walking out
probably b/c my peripheral vision
through my glasses is not good
and i was very disturbed that my umbrella was broken.
again.
i think he spilled his coffee
and of course, i was like, "i'm so sorry!"
and he said,
"hey WATCH IT!"
is it bad that i expected him to say,
"it's okay. my bad!" ?
and his actual response really bothered me?
i guess its sad that
i fail to acknowledge the legitimacy of
other peoples' bad days//moods
yet i have bad days of my own
ALLL the TIME.
as i was walking into ramona's
i ran into a guy walking out
probably b/c my peripheral vision
through my glasses is not good
and i was very disturbed that my umbrella was broken.
again.
i think he spilled his coffee
and of course, i was like, "i'm so sorry!"
and he said,
"hey WATCH IT!"
is it bad that i expected him to say,
"it's okay. my bad!" ?
and his actual response really bothered me?
i guess its sad that
i fail to acknowledge the legitimacy of
other peoples' bad days//moods
yet i have bad days of my own
ALLL the TIME.
3.28.2010
sickness
i wanted to post about sac urban plunging
and all my deep thoughts
and awesome things i reflected on in the past week,
but there is something more pressing on my mind.
er... in my head.
this deep throbbing
that won't relent.
and this suffocating feeling in my sinuses
that won't let go of me.
it's this sickness
that i feel like i've been wrestling with for weeks
and weeks
and weeks
and weeks now.
literally.
i think prior to this experience,
i used to think of sickness as somewhat of a cool thing.
a kind of accessory that you wear
once a year,
maybe twice if you're so unfortunate...
but something that gives you a good excuse
and preferential treatment
or possibly the exact opposite of preferential treatment.
so i guess, even though...
a nasally voice, congested sinuses, and achey, coughey throat
are all very annoying things,
i did not complain too much about being sick.
i might even dare to say that i enjoyed being sick.
i never took medicine,
and just let the natural course of my sickness
have its way in me.
but NOT SO with this current sickness.
first of all,
i've been sick for almost 2 months.
i am pretty sure there is something abnormal there.
and secondly,
not only do i have a stuffy nose,
and achey throat,
i have this throbbing pain in my head
that will NOT go away, no matter what i do.
i sit down, it's still there.
i lay down, it throbs even harder.
i stand up, and my head is about to explode.
i pray and pray and pray.
yet all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep
so i won't have to feel this dull, throbbing pain
that won't leave me alone.
i am so distracted from my studies
and everything else i need and WANT so badly to do.
simply by this sickness.
this pain in my head.
may sakit ng ulo ko.
and for once i DON'T WANT IT.
i want to be free from this sickness.
i see now.
being sick is NOT cool in any way whatsoever.
it is life preventing and life hindering.
and i'm willing to do anything to get rid of it.
i've constantly been taking drugs - tylenol, nyquil, emergen-C...
and without a doubt, i will go to the Tang when it opens tomorrow.
and all of this just makes me think...
how about those who have lived with sickness
all their lives.
the kind of sickness they can never get rid of?
i have the option of getting better,
but what about those who don't?
i complain about a little headache,
but what about the bigger pains in life
that millions of others suffer from?
even as i type this,
i think of my sister,
who hasn't been as blessed with good health
as i have been.
she's lived with asthma and allergies of all different kinds,
and even a weak immune system, all her life.
and i would be so annoyed with her
always coughing and blowing her nose.
but actually,
that is me right now.
and i had no room to condemn her of her sickness.
just because i was blessed with better health.
and it was not even by her own choice that she was sick.
and as much as i am in pain right now
and feeling very inadequate
and very worried about this 4 pg essay i need to write...
i thank God for blessing me.
because with one experience,
i am better able to understand
and feel
the pain of so many others
than i had ever been able to before...
and all my deep thoughts
and awesome things i reflected on in the past week,
but there is something more pressing on my mind.
er... in my head.
this deep throbbing
that won't relent.
and this suffocating feeling in my sinuses
that won't let go of me.
it's this sickness
that i feel like i've been wrestling with for weeks
and weeks
and weeks
and weeks now.
literally.
i think prior to this experience,
i used to think of sickness as somewhat of a cool thing.
a kind of accessory that you wear
once a year,
maybe twice if you're so unfortunate...
but something that gives you a good excuse
and preferential treatment
or possibly the exact opposite of preferential treatment.
so i guess, even though...
a nasally voice, congested sinuses, and achey, coughey throat
are all very annoying things,
i did not complain too much about being sick.
i might even dare to say that i enjoyed being sick.
i never took medicine,
and just let the natural course of my sickness
have its way in me.
but NOT SO with this current sickness.
first of all,
i've been sick for almost 2 months.
i am pretty sure there is something abnormal there.
and secondly,
not only do i have a stuffy nose,
and achey throat,
i have this throbbing pain in my head
that will NOT go away, no matter what i do.
i sit down, it's still there.
i lay down, it throbs even harder.
i stand up, and my head is about to explode.
i pray and pray and pray.
yet all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep
so i won't have to feel this dull, throbbing pain
that won't leave me alone.
i am so distracted from my studies
and everything else i need and WANT so badly to do.
simply by this sickness.
this pain in my head.
may sakit ng ulo ko.
and for once i DON'T WANT IT.
i want to be free from this sickness.
i see now.
being sick is NOT cool in any way whatsoever.
it is life preventing and life hindering.
and i'm willing to do anything to get rid of it.
i've constantly been taking drugs - tylenol, nyquil, emergen-C...
and without a doubt, i will go to the Tang when it opens tomorrow.
and all of this just makes me think...
how about those who have lived with sickness
all their lives.
the kind of sickness they can never get rid of?
i have the option of getting better,
but what about those who don't?
i complain about a little headache,
but what about the bigger pains in life
that millions of others suffer from?
even as i type this,
i think of my sister,
who hasn't been as blessed with good health
as i have been.
she's lived with asthma and allergies of all different kinds,
and even a weak immune system, all her life.
and i would be so annoyed with her
always coughing and blowing her nose.
but actually,
that is me right now.
and i had no room to condemn her of her sickness.
just because i was blessed with better health.
and it was not even by her own choice that she was sick.
and as much as i am in pain right now
and feeling very inadequate
and very worried about this 4 pg essay i need to write...
i thank God for blessing me.
because with one experience,
i am better able to understand
and feel
the pain of so many others
than i had ever been able to before...
3.14.2010
post-it of a plump and greedy old 부자
God,
i DEMAND answers.
and i DEMAND justice.
i absolutely NEED to know.
!!!
i DEMAND answers.
and i DEMAND justice.
i absolutely NEED to know.
!!!
2.24.2010
hunger
the only thing worse than hunger pains is
the pain of fullness on your stomach
and the heavyness of the weight
gained as a result of a society built on
food, food, and more produced abundance
off which i live.
because the burden of hunger is light.
but the burden of fullness is nothing but HEAVY.
because this food brings me guilt.
this food of HAVING while others DONT.
i despise any semblance of first-world culture
that i own
and wear
and partake in
down to my chubby body and the korean glasses on my nose.
because while others are dying
i sit here and complain
that i'm not skinny enough
that i have to wear glasses.
i complain of my overabundance.
and that is very disturbing
and very distracting to me.
distracting to my goal,
purpose,
task.
maybe i am radical.
but
i would rather have nothing
and live in love.
rather than have much
and live in hate.
but for the time being.
i am here.
i have much.
i am FULL.
and i should equip myself.
to be even more FULL.
not in the physical sense.
but in a spiritual
and mental sense.
so that when i do ever end up empty.
in an empty desert with no resources.
i can tap into the deepest parts of my fullness
and let that come flowing out
filling me
and overflowing to others around me.
may i be as full as a plump and greedy old 부자,
but eat with the hunger of a 거지.
partaking in the most delicious of fruits of wisdom,
thus becoming equipped to produce seeds of my own
so that i may teach the least of those to grow trees
from my seeds
and indulge in the fruits of their abundance
through me.
MEANWHILE, may all of my glory go to God
the creator and orchestrator of all things.
who's the one who made me the plump, greedy old 부자 to begin with...
the pain of fullness on your stomach
and the heavyness of the weight
gained as a result of a society built on
food, food, and more produced abundance
off which i live.
because the burden of hunger is light.
but the burden of fullness is nothing but HEAVY.
because this food brings me guilt.
this food of HAVING while others DONT.
i despise any semblance of first-world culture
that i own
and wear
and partake in
down to my chubby body and the korean glasses on my nose.
because while others are dying
i sit here and complain
that i'm not skinny enough
that i have to wear glasses.
i complain of my overabundance.
and that is very disturbing
and very distracting to me.
distracting to my goal,
purpose,
task.
maybe i am radical.
but
i would rather have nothing
and live in love.
rather than have much
and live in hate.
but for the time being.
i am here.
i have much.
i am FULL.
and i should equip myself.
to be even more FULL.
not in the physical sense.
but in a spiritual
and mental sense.
so that when i do ever end up empty.
in an empty desert with no resources.
i can tap into the deepest parts of my fullness
and let that come flowing out
filling me
and overflowing to others around me.
may i be as full as a plump and greedy old 부자,
but eat with the hunger of a 거지.
partaking in the most delicious of fruits of wisdom,
thus becoming equipped to produce seeds of my own
so that i may teach the least of those to grow trees
from my seeds
and indulge in the fruits of their abundance
through me.
MEANWHILE, may all of my glory go to God
the creator and orchestrator of all things.
who's the one who made me the plump, greedy old 부자 to begin with...
2.20.2010
i don't like sympathy or pity
i just like to share my struggles.
because i don't like to keep my dark secrets hidden in the dark.
they are not to make others feel bad for me
or feel like they can relate to me.
this might happen.
but that is not my purpose.
besides.
i don't think anyone can fully ever understand
or be able to relate to my struggles.
i am a unique individual.
under my own unique set of circumstances.
i've been feeling very very sick lately.
both physically, mentally, emotionally.
i'm pressed by all that i see the need for me to do.
and about the fact that i never seem to get enough time
for everything that i want to do.
i'm sick from being so far away from home
and having been away for so long.
and what makes me even sicker
is the fact that
even if i go back,
i might not feel at home.
i'm sick because i feel utterly alone
in this struggle.
i'm sick because no one will ever
really understand what i'm going through.
and even though it's not that others around me are
insensitive or careless to me...
whenever people mention something about their home,
something is stirred in me.
a sort of bitterness
and envy
and plain old SICKness.
because YOUR home is closer than mine.
you have no room to attest.
so
who am i?
and where am i going?
what am i doing here?
what is all of this mean anyway?
i'm sick because i don't get it.
i'm sick because i don't think anything can cure me.
i'm sick because
as much as i want to go home to korea,
i'm not sure if that's where my home and heart is.
sure, that is where my parents are.
and i miss them with a passion.
but where is MY home?
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a home.
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a place in this world.
so i hide.
in my room.
in my bed.
that is not even my own.
in my covers and soft blankets.
and in food. and eating.
alone.
in my room.
these are the only things that bring me comfort these days.
but even in the midst of these comforts.
i'm moved to tears.
and these tears
bring me back into my bed.
where i cry
and consider how this MUST be a trick of the devil
and how can i defeat him?
he knows me so well,
even my darkest little secrets.
and my deepest desires.
so even in my hiding,
i realize im exposed.
and i curl up even tighter
and pull my covers a little closer.
and pray that Jesus wrap his arms around me.
and hold me.
and be with me.
because only if that is true,
will i feel better.
and in my tiny little brain
i KNOW
that Jesus is my Savior
and he is Almighty
and he is WITH ME
and he will comfort me.
but its been so hard to believe that these days.
and with all of my heart and soul,
i'm not sure when i will be strong enough to just BE.
when will i have the faith that will move mountains.
when will i be able to disappoint the devil.
when will i discover Paul's secret
of being content whether in full or in need?
because i feel i am always in need.
and never content.
but if my Jesus is for me,
who can be against me?
and how come my mind and thoughts
do not align with my supposed beliefs?
and why do i keep failing in this way
weekend
after weekend
after weekend?
because i don't like to keep my dark secrets hidden in the dark.
they are not to make others feel bad for me
or feel like they can relate to me.
this might happen.
but that is not my purpose.
besides.
i don't think anyone can fully ever understand
or be able to relate to my struggles.
i am a unique individual.
under my own unique set of circumstances.
i've been feeling very very sick lately.
both physically, mentally, emotionally.
i'm pressed by all that i see the need for me to do.
and about the fact that i never seem to get enough time
for everything that i want to do.
i'm sick from being so far away from home
and having been away for so long.
and what makes me even sicker
is the fact that
even if i go back,
i might not feel at home.
i'm sick because i feel utterly alone
in this struggle.
i'm sick because no one will ever
really understand what i'm going through.
and even though it's not that others around me are
insensitive or careless to me...
whenever people mention something about their home,
something is stirred in me.
a sort of bitterness
and envy
and plain old SICKness.
because YOUR home is closer than mine.
you have no room to attest.
so
who am i?
and where am i going?
what am i doing here?
what is all of this mean anyway?
i'm sick because i don't get it.
i'm sick because i don't think anything can cure me.
i'm sick because
as much as i want to go home to korea,
i'm not sure if that's where my home and heart is.
sure, that is where my parents are.
and i miss them with a passion.
but where is MY home?
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a home.
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a place in this world.
so i hide.
in my room.
in my bed.
that is not even my own.
in my covers and soft blankets.
and in food. and eating.
alone.
in my room.
these are the only things that bring me comfort these days.
but even in the midst of these comforts.
i'm moved to tears.
and these tears
bring me back into my bed.
where i cry
and consider how this MUST be a trick of the devil
and how can i defeat him?
he knows me so well,
even my darkest little secrets.
and my deepest desires.
so even in my hiding,
i realize im exposed.
and i curl up even tighter
and pull my covers a little closer.
and pray that Jesus wrap his arms around me.
and hold me.
and be with me.
because only if that is true,
will i feel better.
and in my tiny little brain
i KNOW
that Jesus is my Savior
and he is Almighty
and he is WITH ME
and he will comfort me.
but its been so hard to believe that these days.
and with all of my heart and soul,
i'm not sure when i will be strong enough to just BE.
when will i have the faith that will move mountains.
when will i be able to disappoint the devil.
when will i discover Paul's secret
of being content whether in full or in need?
because i feel i am always in need.
and never content.
but if my Jesus is for me,
who can be against me?
and how come my mind and thoughts
do not align with my supposed beliefs?
and why do i keep failing in this way
weekend
after weekend
after weekend?
2.15.2010
it's all about love, love, love
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