reflecting on WEARYness.

wea·ry·ness \ˈwir-ē-nəs\ n.
the state of feeling or showing tiredness,
esp. as a result of excessive exertion
or lack of sleep

I think I can,
for once in my life,
adequately say that I am not only tired,
but I am very weary.
I think I never knew what that really meant
until now...
Thoughts of sleep consume my mind.
Literally, that's all I ever think about.
I can't even stop
and find rest (Oh my soul)
in God alone,
because I am SO busy thinking about sleep
and feeling overwhelmingly weary.
So how to break out of this?
I've been trying...
I've been trying to sleep more,
when I can,
trying to find rest in simple things:
listening to orchestra music,
writing in my journal,
reading my Bible,
watching 꽃보다남자....
but nothing really satisfies...
And quenches my thirst
and helps me feel very alive...

Jesus says:
"Come to me all you
who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you
and learn from me,
for I am gentle & humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Right.
That's great and all...
But I don't FEEL it.
Jesus, I'm ASKing you, right now.
can you teach me how.
Show me what that looks like
for me to go to you.
Cuz I really don't know...

You know, the saddest part is.
While I'm so consumed with myself
my WEARYness,
my struggles,
I have no time to care about others.
There are so many people around me
every day
who are struggling worse than I am.
and I have no heart to look at them.
and help them.
Because I'm so focused on fixing myself.
What a broken person I am.
Where is the beauty in the broken?

thirsty. & tired.

My soul thirsts for God,
the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say,
"I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

---
David the drama queen?
All those words up there...
were not written by me, merely
REwritten.
They were already written by David,
thousands of years ago...
I think David is the greatest poet I know
because he writes such honest lyrics
and his words surpass time and space.
Because although I am currently
in the year 2009
in Berkeley, CA
I know exactly how he felt
when he wrote those words.
-.passionate.desperate.tired.-
---

Hope
is not pretending
that there's never
any sorrow~
It's the knowledge
that our troubles
will be overcome tomorrow.
It's the inner strength
we call on
to sustain us now and then,
Till our problems
lie behind us,
and we're happy once again.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
[2nd part to Psalm 13, which I REwrote in the beginning]

-->neverland<--

Apparently,
adult life is all about paperwork.
And phone calls with holds
which redirects to other people
who redirect you to other people
who redirect you to other people
who redirect you to paperwork...
No wonder laws don't get passed...

holy anger?

I am angry.
I don't understand my anger, either.
I don't really understand what's going on...
but all I know is I'm angry.
And I'm not angry at anyone in particular.
I'm angry at satan.
and hopelessness.
and probably myself:
my weaknesses,
my failings,
my lackingness,
all the areas where I fall short.
I'm angry with myself
about my lack of trust...

First of all,
I'm angry with satan.
I'm angry with him because he has such power over people.
Why is there evil in this world?
injustice? poverty? hunger?
Satan.
No, wait..
I'm sure that God willed it to be this way...
but...
It just makes me so so angry
that some people can't let go of the flashy things
that satan shows them in their daily life
and give it up for the everlasting God,
just because it is hard.
And I know that God uses the bad things
to make good things happen.
He takes the old
and makes it new...
But, really, God...
all that pain,
all that sorrow,
all that helpless addiction,
all that emptiness,
is that really necessary?
And wait, what I feel..
is that sadness or passionate anger?
Whatever it is...
It just stirs up so much emotion inside of me.
And I have no idea what to do with it...

Secondly, I'm angry with myself.
I feel so hopeless.
And even though I claim that I TRUST God,
in my mind,
in my heart,
there are so many areas where I'm
still trying to maintain control
rather than having released all those
worries
over to God.
Seriously...
what am I doing?
If I truly believe that God is Lord over all,
why do I still worry about little things like
boat dance tickets?
If I truly believe that God is Lord over all,
why do I still plan and daydream my future
months in advance?
If I truly believe that God is Lord over all,
why do I still feel like there are hopelessly
unreachable people in my life?

Seriously...
what am I doing?

SO acquire[D] the fire

There is no telling how FANTASTIC God has been to me.
Everything just seems to fit together SO well with Him in the picture.
That is a certain thing, I can testify.
He has been SO faithful to me, and I cannot help but PRAISE!
Even Acquire the Fire,
which I went to by accident
(I was a chaperone for the one girl
who went from my cousin's church
youth group, CCKC)
was just SUCH a confirmation of
everything He had been revealing to me.
And I'm just SO encouraged
by the transformations in the lives of those around me,
the revelation of hope He has revealed to me,
and how He has opened my eyes to all the ways I've been blessed!

You can't stand up sitting down.
"I know your deeds;
you have a reputation of being alive,
but you are dead.
Wake up!
Strengthen what remains
and is about to die,
for I have not found your deeds complete
in the sight of my God." -Rev. 3:1b-2-

The time has to stand for what we believe in.
So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You!
Today, today is all or nothing.
All the way,
the praise goes out to You.
Today, today I live for one thing.
To give you praise
in everything I do.
Yea, the praise goes out to You! :)

easy breezy

beautiful
cover-girl.

I can suck it up.
I'm a big girl
with big dreams,
and big things to do,
in my big future.
But most importantly
I'm a big girl
with a big God,
big Papa,
watching out for my every move.



(but in my mind im
kicking & screaming:
i can't do this...
God, help me
pleaseeeeeeeee.)

something beautiful

When you come across something good,
you HAVE to share.
And that's me.

Every time I start to think too much
or the clouds begin to roll in to create storms in my head,
God brings in something new to show me the light
no matter what dark corner I see myself in.

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it...
It was he who gave some to be apostles,
some to be prophets,
some to be evangelists,
and some to be pastors and teachers,
to prepare God's people for works of service,
so that the body of Christ may be built up
until we all reach unity
in the faith
and in the knowledge of the Son of God
and become mature,
attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
Then we will no long be infants,
tossed back and forth by the waves
and blown here and there by every wind
of teaching
and by the cunning and craftiness of men
in their deceitful scheming.
Instead,
speaking the truth in LOVE,
we will in all things grow into Him
who is the Head, that is, Christ.

How lovely is your dwelling place.