struggle with my self

I'm not that girl.
I never was.
Nor will I ever be.
I'm not that girl who clings to untruth as if it is truth itself.
I'm not that girl who refuses to give up on the one thing that keeps tripping her up.
I'm not that girl whose world revolves around a certain guy.
I'm not that girl.
I'm not that girl who lets herself feel worth according to how many or how much people like her.
I'm not that girl.
I'm not that girl who hangs on to worldly material possessions.
I'm not that girl.
I'm not that girl who lets her heart get trampled on by standing by and watching.
I'm not that girl who's afraid to stand up and speak up for what I believe in because I'm scarred of what THEY will say.
I'm just not that girl.
Neither am I that girl who compares herself with others and shrinks back because she feels inadequate.
I'm not that girl... anymore.
I'm that girl who stands strong in her status as God's beautiful and precious daughter, whom he loves VERY much.
I'm that girl who will put God above all else.
I'm that girl who cares not what others say, but only cares what her audience of 1 will say.
I'm that girl who takes it all in stride because she knows God's got her back.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who is never shaken in faith by the darts of Satan, the world, and fleshly desires.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who will risk her life for Jesus and others, no hesitation.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who is bold and courageous, never afraid to step into the unknown.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who pours out her heart into everything she does because her husband, Jesus did so.
I'm that girl who who loves Jesus first and always, no matter how unpopular that makes her.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who is more than a conqueror and breaks sin.
I'm that girl who is strong in herself just because of who her heavenly Father is.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who is experiencing the living, breathing, moving God daily,
and it is evident to everyone who meets her.
I'm that girl.
<3

answer to my prayers.

f a l l i n g on my knees
in worship
giving all i am
to seek Your face.
Lord, all i am is Yours.

my whole life
i place in Your hands.
God of mercy
humbled i bow down...
in Your presence
at Your throne.

i called.
You answered.
And You came to my rescue
and i
i wanna be where You are...

He speaks to me.
He calls to me.
He comes to my rescue and says,
"Child, why do you fear?
I am here."

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

words that seem to disappear.

I just wrote a whole thing about how I feel.
I copied it, ctrl+C.
I pasted, ctrl+V.
And it didn't appear.
Apparently words disappear into thin air.
Maybe that's symbolic of actual words...
They are meaningless.
They are nothing.
If not backed up by the more important stuff.
Like actions.
Like love.

If my heart is deceitful above all things.
and desperately wicked.
And if I strive to follow in Jesus' footsteps
and have a heart like His...
Why can't I ever shut off my own sin-filled heart?

Why does it feel like Jesus is leading me down
this ridiculous path
and I'm sitting there
staring at it with my mouth hanging open
cuz I'm thinking
how IMPOSSIBLE it looks
for me to get through it?

Jesus... where are you?

reflecting on WEARYness.

wea·ry·ness \ˈwir-ē-nəs\ n.
the state of feeling or showing tiredness,
esp. as a result of excessive exertion
or lack of sleep

I think I can,
for once in my life,
adequately say that I am not only tired,
but I am very weary.
I think I never knew what that really meant
until now...
Thoughts of sleep consume my mind.
Literally, that's all I ever think about.
I can't even stop
and find rest (Oh my soul)
in God alone,
because I am SO busy thinking about sleep
and feeling overwhelmingly weary.
So how to break out of this?
I've been trying...
I've been trying to sleep more,
when I can,
trying to find rest in simple things:
listening to orchestra music,
writing in my journal,
reading my Bible,
watching 꽃보다남자....
but nothing really satisfies...
And quenches my thirst
and helps me feel very alive...

Jesus says:
"Come to me all you
who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you
and learn from me,
for I am gentle & humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Right.
That's great and all...
But I don't FEEL it.
Jesus, I'm ASKing you, right now.
can you teach me how.
Show me what that looks like
for me to go to you.
Cuz I really don't know...

You know, the saddest part is.
While I'm so consumed with myself
my WEARYness,
my struggles,
I have no time to care about others.
There are so many people around me
every day
who are struggling worse than I am.
and I have no heart to look at them.
and help them.
Because I'm so focused on fixing myself.
What a broken person I am.
Where is the beauty in the broken?

thirsty. & tired.

My soul thirsts for God,
the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say,
"I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

---
David the drama queen?
All those words up there...
were not written by me, merely
REwritten.
They were already written by David,
thousands of years ago...
I think David is the greatest poet I know
because he writes such honest lyrics
and his words surpass time and space.
Because although I am currently
in the year 2009
in Berkeley, CA
I know exactly how he felt
when he wrote those words.
-.passionate.desperate.tired.-
---

Hope
is not pretending
that there's never
any sorrow~
It's the knowledge
that our troubles
will be overcome tomorrow.
It's the inner strength
we call on
to sustain us now and then,
Till our problems
lie behind us,
and we're happy once again.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
[2nd part to Psalm 13, which I REwrote in the beginning]

-->neverland<--

Apparently,
adult life is all about paperwork.
And phone calls with holds
which redirects to other people
who redirect you to other people
who redirect you to other people
who redirect you to paperwork...
No wonder laws don't get passed...

holy anger?

I am angry.
I don't understand my anger, either.
I don't really understand what's going on...
but all I know is I'm angry.
And I'm not angry at anyone in particular.
I'm angry at satan.
and hopelessness.
and probably myself:
my weaknesses,
my failings,
my lackingness,
all the areas where I fall short.
I'm angry with myself
about my lack of trust...

First of all,
I'm angry with satan.
I'm angry with him because he has such power over people.
Why is there evil in this world?
injustice? poverty? hunger?
Satan.
No, wait..
I'm sure that God willed it to be this way...
but...
It just makes me so so angry
that some people can't let go of the flashy things
that satan shows them in their daily life
and give it up for the everlasting God,
just because it is hard.
And I know that God uses the bad things
to make good things happen.
He takes the old
and makes it new...
But, really, God...
all that pain,
all that sorrow,
all that helpless addiction,
all that emptiness,
is that really necessary?
And wait, what I feel..
is that sadness or passionate anger?
Whatever it is...
It just stirs up so much emotion inside of me.
And I have no idea what to do with it...

Secondly, I'm angry with myself.
I feel so hopeless.
And even though I claim that I TRUST God,
in my mind,
in my heart,
there are so many areas where I'm
still trying to maintain control
rather than having released all those
worries
over to God.
Seriously...
what am I doing?
If I truly believe that God is Lord over all,
why do I still worry about little things like
boat dance tickets?
If I truly believe that God is Lord over all,
why do I still plan and daydream my future
months in advance?
If I truly believe that God is Lord over all,
why do I still feel like there are hopelessly
unreachable people in my life?

Seriously...
what am I doing?