reflecting on WEARYness.

wea·ry·ness \ˈwir-ē-nəs\ n.
the state of feeling or showing tiredness,
esp. as a result of excessive exertion
or lack of sleep

I think I can,
for once in my life,
adequately say that I am not only tired,
but I am very weary.
I think I never knew what that really meant
until now...
Thoughts of sleep consume my mind.
Literally, that's all I ever think about.
I can't even stop
and find rest (Oh my soul)
in God alone,
because I am SO busy thinking about sleep
and feeling overwhelmingly weary.
So how to break out of this?
I've been trying...
I've been trying to sleep more,
when I can,
trying to find rest in simple things:
listening to orchestra music,
writing in my journal,
reading my Bible,
watching 꽃보다남자....
but nothing really satisfies...
And quenches my thirst
and helps me feel very alive...

Jesus says:
"Come to me all you
who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you
and learn from me,
for I am gentle & humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Right.
That's great and all...
But I don't FEEL it.
Jesus, I'm ASKing you, right now.
can you teach me how.
Show me what that looks like
for me to go to you.
Cuz I really don't know...

You know, the saddest part is.
While I'm so consumed with myself
my WEARYness,
my struggles,
I have no time to care about others.
There are so many people around me
every day
who are struggling worse than I am.
and I have no heart to look at them.
and help them.
Because I'm so focused on fixing myself.
What a broken person I am.
Where is the beauty in the broken?