ugh. finally!?

yes. i have done it.
i am sorta semi ashamed.
i gave into peer pressure.
and got a tumblr!
i was frustrated i couldnt comment on ppls tumblrs!
my blogs are like tumbles anyway.
that's me trying to justify mahself.

http://aileenwithit.tumblr.com

for your enjoyment.
maybe i shall post more often...

dirty

yeah, that's right, Jesus.
I'm kicking and screaming at you right nahh
and struggling to hang on and also to let go.

what are you going to do about this, Jesus?
i am such a mess...

blast from the past

i realized that.
sometimes i try to erase people
from my past.
as if clicking that 'delete' button on facebook
will forever and ever delete them from my mind
and erase those memories hidden away in the back of my brain.

and then i freak out
when God sometimes brings these people
BACK into my life.
and forces me to confront them,
and ask all the tough, awkward questions
and forces me to CARE
and to LOVE.
and to learn to LOVE.
and he asks me,
"why are you trying to force them out
when i'm not done with you and ______, yet?
don't you trust that
i'm bigger than your ideas, conceptions, memories,
mistakes, hurts, miscommunications?"

oh, God, won't you bring restoration
to my past. thanks.

i love

watching MOBILIZATION happen.
seeing people and things come together.
simply because i took a few steps of obedience,
sacrificing and possibly risking my time and efforts.

But God is so good, because He doesn't meet me halfway.
He meets me FULLway.

Jesus, you DO answer prayers,
and it's so LOVELY to see that!

alleluiah!
alleluiah!
alleluiiahh!
your love makes me sing. (:

i think that

i want to be an initiator of change.

hummm

i think i quit my blog.
sorry blog.

probably because real life is so much better
than living out loud on the internet.
so i quit.
for now...
but we'll see...

it's a sister thing...

so my sister,
for her "about me" section on facebook
has this:
"i make mistakes.
im out of control
&at times hard to handle.
but if you cant handle me at my worst,,
then you sure as heck dont deserve me at my best."
and im always impressed!
that she put a warning label on her fb profile
yet people are still friends with her.
thats just how awesome she is!!

it always makes me think about what i would say
about myself, if i had such a label...

probably something like this:
"i am radical,
im blind-sighted
& always have words for everything,
but if the worst of me is all you see,,
then you'll never know me at my best."
hmmm.... not as threatening.... x)

i think this deserves some recognition...

ang pamilya ko!


the kids i chill with.
lolo arvin, jay james, and mac.
is it sad that i love them??


my handsome younger bro, jay. and beautiful sister grizel.
jay is an amazing drummer. and grizel rocks at keyboards.
my family is so talenteddd!


pelikoy! or abel jr. he's my baby brother. our bunso!
the cutessst boy i ever did meet.
and he worships like an angel!


silly kids. pelikoy, lolo, and mac. some of my favorites..
if i had any. sometimes i think everyones my favorite because i have so many!


daryll, grizel, jay, lolo arvin.
i loveeeee this picture of them!
because it describes them SOOOO well.
this is them at their best!
going home on a pedicab... away from meeeee. wahh! ):


this lovely lady to my left is momma gomez.
it's official. i am a gomez. i look strange, but maganda ang nanay ko!
and the cuties to my right are my dfic sisters. tooooo cute for words!

ze youth. you can see jay with his killer smile. what cuties! (:
i love them ALLLLLL!

tapos na?

i know that God answers prayers.
He's answered every single one of mine.

this trip,

i've SEEN things i hadn't seen before.
that were there all along
that i had been too distracted to see before.
the work that God is doing in all parts of the world.
that my sisters and brothers in the philippines
are my family.
not just acquaintances
or people i will see just once or twice.

i've LEARNED to love,
to accept,
to be hospitable, compassionate, patient...
what it looks like to love and serve
as Jesus did.

i've BEEN BROKEN.
and sick. and afflicted.
and also restored. healed.
cleansed. purified.

i've DEPENDED on Jesus.
clung to him like none other.
praying through anything that comes my way...

i've LOVED first.
and foremost.
and deeeeeeeeeeply.
and not only did i love.
but i am still loving.

i've DECIDED
that it can't end here.
i don't want this to be a post-mission high.
but a life change.
it's not enough to feel these things.
and realize and learn.
but its important what i DO
with what i learn and feel and realize...

Jesus.
please answer this prayer.
that i will walk with you daily.
and live by faith, hope, and LOVE.
and all these things i've felt and learned
will be as real to me every day from here on out
as they are to me today.

so i lift my eyes to you, Lord.
in your strength will i break through, Lord.
touch me now.
let your love fall down on me.
i know your love dispells all my fears.
through the storm i will hold on, Lord.
and by faith i will walk on, Lord.
then i'll see beyond my calvary one day.
and i will be complete in you.

Jesus, please complete me.
continue the work you've begun in me.
and see me through it alll.
continue to renew my mind,
inside and out, every day.
may i always and forever desire you as my everything.
and may i never forget the gifts you've given me
may i never take anything you give me for granted.
may i always remember.
and though this year's trip to the philippines is over.
may this only be the beginning.

tapos na? hindi.

maraming salamat po!

here are a few requests of prayer
for my philippines trip, which i will be gone to
july 1-11...

-UNITY of our team in LOVE
the kind that covers over a multitude of sins
(1 Peter 4:8)
and that we may be patient with everyone,
especially one another
(1 Thessalonians 5:14)

-STRENGTH found in God alone
the kind that renews us
and lets us soar on wings like eagles
and run and not grow weary
and walk and not be faint
(Isaiah 40: 29-31)

-PROTECTION from satan
heavenly authority given us
to trample on snakes and scorpions
and to overcome all the power of the enemy,
letting nothing harm us
(Luke 10:19)

-God's GLORY to be shown through us
that we may shine before men
and they will see our good deeds
and praise our Father in heaven
(Matthew 5:16)

-that we would only and ALWAYS
rely on God alone as our source.
(Psalm 73:26)
that we would be faithful to what God's called us to
but also at the same time know that it is God doing the work,
not us. (Psalm 46:10, Philippians 1:6)

pagpalain kayo ng Diyos!
maraming salamat po. ♥

praying for my philippines trip.

and maybe the rest of my life.

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like you have loved me
break my heart for what breaks yours
everything i am for your kingdom's cause...

Jesus.
Help me to HEAR You
& then to be strong
confident
bold
enough to obey.
Be in me the wisdom to discern
and the strength
to move on if You say so,
to hang on if You say so,
to let go if You say so,
and even to sit still and wait
if that is what You ask of me.

Jesus.
Will You make me simple-minded?
so that i may not discriminate
or see the divisions and barriers
that keep me from loving certain people
or certain groups of people?
Will You make my mind single-mindedly,
WHOLLY, totally, and completely
for You?
Please give me an undivided ♥ for You.
And also my sight?
May i not see judgments
but merely Your beloved, beautiful people
who You LOVE with all Your heart
and will always love
regardless of what they say or do.
May i not see myself
but simply a channel of Your LOVE
who is to pour out into others,
Regardless of the consequences.

Above all, help me to love deeply
with the kind of love
that covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).
with Your kind of love that never fails (1 Corinthians 13)
and not to us, but to your name be the glory (Psalm 115:1)
forever and ever and ever.

in the beautiful, lovely lovely name of Jesus,
Amen.

head knowledge to heart knowledge

so many times, i have so many theories.
but i refuse to believe them enough
to make them relevant in my life.

but thank GOD!
that he knows.
and he breaks through
every time
with a divine intervention
that makes my knowledge flee
from my head to my heart.

one GREAT lesson of today:
tis certainly true...
because we can't accept ourselves
exactly as we are.
and we want to be like the other person,
out of brokenness of self,
we end up hurting each other.
and cause the breaking down of another.
over and over again.
by refusing to accept the other person the way she is.

i've realized this for a while in my head.
but i know it in my heart, today.

probably the greatest cure is LOVE.
the kind of love that has no bounds
and is overflowingly eternally from our lover Jesus.
the kind of love that covers over all sin.

but why is it so hard for me to humble myself.
and accept this LOVE
and share this LOVE
by accepting my sister the way she is?
and accepting that i will never be like her.
but that is completely Okay.
because we are who God's made us to be.
each different people.
with different skills, talents, passions.
different habits, different priorities.
and why can't we just let our differences go.
and just LOVE each other. freely.
in the freedom that only Jesus love can bring?
no more criticism, envy, jealousy, discord...
no more fights, tears, and harsh words
about not being like the other...
i can do this with everyone
EXCEPT the person i've grown up with for almost 20 years.
the person i am supposed to love MORE
than my other friends.
the person who shares the most genes with me.
the person who supposedly knows me best.
and whom i know the best...

i pray for a miracle to come true this night.

you make all things new

this PROMISE is embedded into every morning.
this is my why morning time is my favorite. ♥

--my response to psalm 37
and seeing the gorgeeeous
partly cloudy daegu sunrise
at 6:30 in the morn.

so high school.

as i prepare to face
possibly the hardest day of my summer,
tomorrow...
i can't help but feel.
so.
nervous.

okay, so maybe i am being a drama queen--
no surprise there.
but seriously.
i just don't understand why..
people at my high school
make me feel so
insignificant
NOT worthwhile
uncool
little.
simply because i don't live the same kind of
lifestyle that they do...
or value the same things they do...
and though i claim i don't care what they think.
it does affect me a lot.
i shrink in their presence.
i'm ashamed.
i change the way i talk to accommodate them.
and hide who i truly am,
showing only what i think is acceptable in their eyes.
but why must i do this?
why can't i just be myself
and be proud of who God's made me to be.
bold and confident
and strong
in knowing that having God's acceptance
is SO much more than enough.
even if i don't have theirs.

if i want make a radical difference in this world
won't there be many people who are always against me?
won't i sometimes be required to stand "alone"?
why is it so hard for me
to LOVE God and fear Him
more than the opinions of this world?

but that wasn't the end of the story...

this is a sequel post to my previous post titled,
"i hate shopping"
i didn't plan on it being a prequel
but God said otherwise...
so here is the rest of the story.

i've started running again.
i started with 3 miles.
and then 4.
now i run 5 miles on a...
semi-regular basis.
this is nothing short of a miracle
because my attitude towards exercise
has been one of disgust
ever since i started college.

my parents always insisted that regular exercise
is VITAL. even if my first priority is studies.
i've slowly learned this my own way.
since my last post,
a series of very fortunate events
has unfolded
to make me change my mind.
and see things with a new attitude.

1. i remembered a sermon my cousin gave (hes a youth pastor)
about spiritual disciplines.
he included daily exercise as one.
his argument:
if you're not willing to invest in your physical health
and go out and exercise regularly,
you're probably not going to be opening up the Bible
and investing time reading and studying it.
while this logic is not completely accurate,
i got the gist of what he was saying.
and i found that to be true in my life.

2. i needed to know God's theology about exercise.
so i did my own Bible study.
on laziness. and body.
and i kept seeing over and over again
the themes of
a) laziness = foolish
and b) i should be taking care of my body
because tis the place Jesus resides in me.

3. i ran into my high school
softball coach//basketball coach//cisco teacher//lifelong mentor
maybe.. a week ago... or so.
i might mention that
he's one of the few teachers i've known since middle school
and one of the even fewer Christ-centered teachers of daegu.
we went to the same church for yearrrrrs.
he's such an awesome person,
he's always looked after my sister and me
since.. forever. and i really value his advice.
we talked for like 30 minutes in the PX.
and at one point he asked me if i did any sports.
and, in order not to be rebuked, i said i did im softball.
and he said,
"oh yeah? that's good. it's always mind, body, soul.
you know at a place like your school,
all they emphasize is mind, mind, mind.
but you need that balance: mind, body, and soul."
it was such a 7th-grade health class lesson.
but when he said it,
it was an epiphany for me.
maybe that's why i struggled so much the past year.
because i hadn't invested in my body...

4. the guest room, aka my room, in my parents house
has a dresser full of my sister and my clothes,
leftovers of what we couldn't take with us to college.
i was sitting on the bed one day
when i looked on top of that dresser
and saw all the trophies.
and the three big plaques on it were mine.
and all three of them were for my hs achievements
in none other than cross country.
MVP, Scholar-Athelete, All-Conference
for TWO years, each.
my collection of bling in my 5 years of varsity running...
i don't mean to brag,
but dude, i was FAST.
one of the top 15 girl runners in all of Korea for 2 years.
AND valedictorian of my school.
no wonder the other girls hated me.
and it was when i looked back on that time
that i realized that God had done something
IMPOSSIBLE in my life.
how crazy is it that i enjoyed RUNNING,
of all things, and had excelled in it.
the thing that so many other people detest.
i learned so many lessons through it
and it was so much a part of who i am
that i even wrote my college admissions essay about it.
and even though during hs,
running replaced Jesus in my life,
running gave me a goal, a great work ethic,
and kept me sane and super positive.

and through my recent runs,
i realized it's still a passion that i have.
i LOVE racing.
and i LOVE training.
timing myself,
pushing myself to the limit,
seeing myself become faster and faster...
and when i run, i don't think of how hard it is
and how tired i am.
i think of life. i pray. i enjoyyy it.
that's my time of relaxing
and receiving from God.
i just think maybe this excitement
and desire to run is God-given.
and maybe God still wants to do something with that.

so with an open mind and open heart,
i've started training.
not because i want to lose weight.
for a triathlon, i say.
but for what?
i actually don't know.
maybe i'm training to run the race of life...

i hate shopping.

today, my mom and i went shopping.
my first korea shopping experience in a long time.
and during this 3 hour endeavor.
i came to a series of questions//frustrations.

1- why must i be skinny or try to lose weight
to fit into fashionable clothes?
why is there a right weight and a right body size?
and why does it matter that i strive to meet that ideal?
i gained a lot of weight in the past school year.
so much to the point that i am SO ashamed of my body.
when i first saw my parents at the airport,
the first thing my dad said to me was,
"you gained a lot of weight, aileen, you know that?"
and this is the first time that my parents tell me to work out
and they're SERIOUS. and they keep insisting. on a regular basis.
this has never happened to me before.
i was always the skinny one of the family.
i was the dog who they fed their scraps to.
i was the one they tried to tempt with junk food late at night.
and this fact. my shame. and the source of it.
kept coming up as i tried on dress after dress
at the department store today, and found that i couldn't fit into many.
and then theres the fact that korean clothes sizes range from
size 0 to size 5 in ladies.
and i was constantly reminded that i'm not a "korean lady".
and honestly sometimes, i wish that i was.

2 - so why does it matter if i dress fashionably or not?
why does it matter so much what i wear?
why is it so important that i have the trendiest outfits?
and why do i feel so inferior when i feel like i'm under-dressed?
why do i have to dress like im an adult now that im 20,
and WHO decided that 20-year-olds must dress a certain way?
i've realized that...
i am a product of the fashion ideals of mom and sister.
taking whatever scraps they hand me, left and right,
listening to what they think i should wear and
filling my closet with such clothes they would approve of.
because, as i always say, "i suck at fashion."
but today, i got to thinking.
why do i need to be bossed around about what i wear?
why does it matter if my clothes fit
what my mom think is "fashionable" or "classy" or not?
throughout my years of shopping with mom and sister,
their lace-loving, black and white, vest and big-shirt styles,
i'd had my medium of expression of self suppressed.
if everyone has style,
then doesn't that mean that i have my own, as well?
and if i do, who actually cares what other people say?
but i look at the clothes that i wear now.
and see what the more fashionable people around me wear.
and i think, "dang, i wish i could dress like that."

3 - i'm so broken.
i have a lot of issues. things i always struggle with.
self image, ethnic identity, consumerism... to name a few.
i think that all of the frustrations listed above
hide in them deeper frustrations i have with myself.
things like...
not being able to love myself how i am,
trying to figure out how korean or how american i am,
feeling inferior to my sister,
trying to live out justice... to name a few.
and because of my deep struggles,
even mundane, everyday things like shopping bother me
and rub me the wrong way.
when they shouldn't.

i just want to play in the ocean...

i came to the realization. that.
this is my first...

i've NEVER missed a major IV retreat/conference.
nso, fall con, doc, urbana, apa, sup, chapter camp...
heard of it? i've been there.
at least once.
if IV were school, i'd have perfect attendance.
and an A+.

and this is the first retreat that i've missed.
and it happens to be the HUGEST retreat of the year...
man oh man. what a change.

i'm kinda sad, i'm not gonna lie.
i'm worried, just a tad bit.
because those places are where relationships are strengthened
and new relationships are formed
as well as where a wellspring of inside jokes
and millions of memories are made...
only accessible to those who have been there.

for the FIRST TIME,
i'm not a part of that...
i feel like i've become an outsider in the IV community.

but. at the same time.
when i look up from this screen.
and SEE, with my own two eyes,
and remember where i am.
i have no regrets.

i see how God has blessed my parents.
even this house is SUCH a blessing.
we're on the 15th floor,
and our living room wall has HUGE windows
that overlook the Pacific Ocean and Busan Harbor.
i can even hear the waves crash against the rocks
right now.
and my home church in 대구
and the people i consider my family there.
it will be so good to see them.
and my social studies//history teacher
i've known since 8th grade.
it will be oh SO wonderful to see her, too.
and talk to her about the history classes i've taken in college.
and even just the opportunity in july to
GO to the philippines...

i think though...
this is the first time i haven't done what is expected of me.
(which would be to go to chapter camp)
and now i'm wondering.
'do i truly believe that God will work
regardless of me--my decisions,
my situations, my expectations?'
will He still speak to me here?

one of the most memorable parts of chapter camp last year
was when we had a retreat into silence for a few hours.
i sat on the beach of the lake.
after taking a walk around the lake.
with God.
waiting...
and God spoke to me.
maybe... the first ever recorded time in my life
where i distinctly remember hearing God's voice.

and... maybe the truth is that.
it's not really the new friends,
new inside jokes, new memories that i'm scared to miss.
but an opportunity for God to speak to me.
that i'm scared i'll miss...

i think, though,
God is trying to teach me that...
He'll do it. and He is bound-less, limit-less.
He doesn't need a retreat to tell me what He wants to say.
maybe He wants to break my idea of Him
and expand it into a larger one.
maybe He just wants me to hang out with Him at home.
or dance with Him in my huge living room
or go swim with Him in the ocean that's become my backyard.
maybe He just wants me to BE with Him...

im too blessed.

Says Chris Luo in our time of affirmations for U1sg leaders,
"Yeah, like everyone else said.
I think you're a very intense person, Aileen."

Thanks, Chris.
Intense I am,
and intense I shall be... (:

cuz this makes me smile!

what goes on on my ichats at 1 in the mornnnnn. (:

whatSUP yo! - a reflection

finally.

*warning: this is a long one.
but don't say i didn't warn you.!

i think i didn't realize the full extent of what SUP meant to me
until today.
i feel like my SUP story was NOT FULLY ACTIVATED
until AFTER the experience itself. and like. a month and half later...

honestly.
i had very little expectations of SUP
because... i had been looking forward to spring break
when i would be able to get away from classes
and the business of sg leading and running around.
and just stop.
and breathe.
and actually.
i was a little bitter.
well.. okay.
i was REALLY bitter.
because everyone else got to GO HOME.
and i could not.
and i didn't want to stick around.
i felt like i sacrificed SO MUCH for sg leading.
and not having been home since last summer
was taking its toll on me... in the form of bitterness.
i was just REALLY upset.
that... life didn't go how i wanted it to.
i felt like i always got the short end of the stick.
and i didn't want to be in berkeley.
i didn't want to be at sacramento.
i didn't want to be anywhere.
i just wanted to hide and be at "home"
but at the same time,
i didn't know what "home" meant to me anymore...
or even where my "home" was...

and so me going to SUP
was me fulfilling my duty as a sg leader.
and also me doing what was expected of me.
and me just being bitter against God
and saying. "okay.
well since i can't go home,
i might as well go to SERVE.
since i'm being miserable.
i might as well go all out."
and while SUP was SO good.
and i learned oh SO much there
and had a lot of my questions answered.
inside, i harbored a LOT of bitterness
and resentment.
and that especially came out when...
we had campus sharing time.

to be honest.
i struggled that time because...
my image of God wasn't FULL
and my idea of leadership was distorted.
i measured a good leader as equal to one who serves
and DOES a lot of things.
and id just put so much stock in my identity as a leader.
i felt like i ALWAYS needed to DO things.
and so...
i felt like the things we discussed at SUP
were things i had already learned about before,
had wrestled with,
and felt like i had failed
because i could not fully carry out what i had learned
and my expectations about them had not been met...
and then to hear other people from Berks
say that they want to try all these new things
and just be so in awe
and so inspired by our SUP community...
that made me upset and angry.
because...
they hadn't tried to help us out before
when WE attempted them!
it just seemed so unfair
cuz us, leaders, had been working so hard for ivccf
while other people hadn't cared before
and then now those people who hadn't cared
were finding so much joy and inspiration
while I, who had worked so hard, found hopelessness.
i was oh so resentful. maybe even jealous.
so even after coming back from SUP,
i couldn't say that i had a life-changing experience
like a lot of other people could.
because to me,
SUP was just a good time of fellowship,
rediscovering old truths,
seeing kingdom values lived out,
and just meeting new folks and forming relationships.
i mean, it was a big deal, but in my mind,
it wasn't life altering or life changing.
i think this is why i felt no need to blog about SUP before...

today, i went to merced.
it was a spontaneous endeavor.
but surprisingly, one throughout which
i just TRUSTED God, and said,
you make all things work together for my good.
and if you want us to go to Merced, you will get us there.
and God really followed through.
and not only did He take us there,
but He revealed so much to me through the trip itself.

i realized the LOVE and ENTHUSIASM
and just APPRECIATION we have for one another.
and its been truly a blessing to be able to partake in that.
i saw that even when i wasn't faithful to God--
my attitude when i was going to SUP and afterwards--
God was still SO faithful to me.
and He really just brought my whole year together
through this one visit.
and i really just. feel.. ready.
to take on anything. to pour out into everything.
and oh SO inspired. to give my 100%.
to live freely, and to live fully.
and really just experience God's lavish love for us
by SHARING it with others:
no bounds,
no expectations,
no strings attached...

i think what i am trying to say is.
i am living proof that God is Love.
He really has brought me through. thick and thin.
and He really has worked out ALL things together. for.my.good.
even when i didn't see or realize it.

this is not just a post to ramble on and on about SUP,
emphasizing how AMAZING it was (which is true)
and how good it is to be able to see the SUPpers again. (also true)
but to really THANK YOU who are in my life.
i REALLY love God.
i REALLY love ALL of you.
yes. ALL of you. nondiscriminant of SUP experience.
because without those around me.
i wouldn't have been able to experience
and materialize HIS love and grace.
YOU have been the answer to my prayers!
and i can say with confidence that
God ANSWERS PRAYERS!
because..
i'm pretty sure He's answered
every single one of mine...

i'm ready and excited for more!
and i think i've finally found a place i can call "home"
even away from home.
..i'll just leave it at that. (:

not cool.

this morning
as i was walking into ramona's
i ran into a guy walking out
probably b/c my peripheral vision
through my glasses is not good
and i was very disturbed that my umbrella was broken.
again.
i think he spilled his coffee
and of course, i was like, "i'm so sorry!"
and he said,
"hey WATCH IT!"

is it bad that i expected him to say,
"it's okay. my bad!" ?
and his actual response really bothered me?
i guess its sad that
i fail to acknowledge the legitimacy of
other peoples' bad days//moods
yet i have bad days of my own
ALLL the TIME.

sickness

i wanted to post about sac urban plunging
and all my deep thoughts
and awesome things i reflected on in the past week,
but there is something more pressing on my mind.
er... in my head.
this deep throbbing
that won't relent.
and this suffocating feeling in my sinuses
that won't let go of me.
it's this sickness
that i feel like i've been wrestling with for weeks
and weeks
and weeks
and weeks now.
literally.

i think prior to this experience,
i used to think of sickness as somewhat of a cool thing.
a kind of accessory that you wear
once a year,
maybe twice if you're so unfortunate...
but something that gives you a good excuse
and preferential treatment
or possibly the exact opposite of preferential treatment.
so i guess, even though...
a nasally voice, congested sinuses, and achey, coughey throat
are all very annoying things,
i did not complain too much about being sick.
i might even dare to say that i enjoyed being sick.
i never took medicine,
and just let the natural course of my sickness
have its way in me.

but NOT SO with this current sickness.
first of all,
i've been sick for almost 2 months.
i am pretty sure there is something abnormal there.
and secondly,
not only do i have a stuffy nose,
and achey throat,
i have this throbbing pain in my head
that will NOT go away, no matter what i do.
i sit down, it's still there.
i lay down, it throbs even harder.
i stand up, and my head is about to explode.
i pray and pray and pray.
yet all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep
so i won't have to feel this dull, throbbing pain
that won't leave me alone.
i am so distracted from my studies
and everything else i need and WANT so badly to do.
simply by this sickness.
this pain in my head.
may sakit ng ulo ko.
and for once i DON'T WANT IT.
i want to be free from this sickness.
i see now.
being sick is NOT cool in any way whatsoever.
it is life preventing and life hindering.
and i'm willing to do anything to get rid of it.
i've constantly been taking drugs - tylenol, nyquil, emergen-C...
and without a doubt, i will go to the Tang when it opens tomorrow.

and all of this just makes me think...
how about those who have lived with sickness
all their lives.
the kind of sickness they can never get rid of?
i have the option of getting better,
but what about those who don't?
i complain about a little headache,
but what about the bigger pains in life
that millions of others suffer from?
even as i type this,
i think of my sister,
who hasn't been as blessed with good health
as i have been.
she's lived with asthma and allergies of all different kinds,
and even a weak immune system, all her life.
and i would be so annoyed with her
always coughing and blowing her nose.
but actually,
that is me right now.
and i had no room to condemn her of her sickness.
just because i was blessed with better health.
and it was not even by her own choice that she was sick.
and as much as i am in pain right now
and feeling very inadequate
and very worried about this 4 pg essay i need to write...
i thank God for blessing me.
because with one experience,
i am better able to understand
and feel
the pain of so many others
than i had ever been able to before...

post-it of a plump and greedy old 부자

God,
i DEMAND answers.
and i DEMAND justice.
i absolutely NEED to know.
!!!

hunger

the only thing worse than hunger pains is
the pain of fullness on your stomach
and the heavyness of the weight
gained as a result of a society built on
food, food, and more produced abundance
off which i live.
because the burden of hunger is light.
but the burden of fullness is nothing but HEAVY.
because this food brings me guilt.
this food of HAVING while others DONT.
i despise any semblance of first-world culture
that i own
and wear
and partake in
down to my chubby body and the korean glasses on my nose.
because while others are dying
i sit here and complain
that i'm not skinny enough
that i have to wear glasses.
i complain of my overabundance.
and that is very disturbing
and very distracting to me.
distracting to my goal,
purpose,
task.
maybe i am radical.
but
i would rather have nothing
and live in love.
rather than have much
and live in hate.

but for the time being.
i am here.
i have much.
i am FULL.
and i should equip myself.
to be even more FULL.
not in the physical sense.
but in a spiritual
and mental sense.
so that when i do ever end up empty.
in an empty desert with no resources.
i can tap into the deepest parts of my fullness
and let that come flowing out
filling me
and overflowing to others around me.

may i be as full as a plump and greedy old 부자,
but eat with the hunger of a 거지.
partaking in the most delicious of fruits of wisdom,
thus becoming equipped to produce seeds of my own
so that i may teach the least of those to grow trees
from my seeds
and indulge in the fruits of their abundance
through me.
MEANWHILE, may all of my glory go to God
the creator and orchestrator of all things.
who's the one who made me the plump, greedy old 부자 to begin with...

i don't like sympathy or pity

i just like to share my struggles.
because i don't like to keep my dark secrets hidden in the dark.
they are not to make others feel bad for me
or feel like they can relate to me.
this might happen.
but that is not my purpose.
besides.
i don't think anyone can fully ever understand
or be able to relate to my struggles.
i am a unique individual.
under my own unique set of circumstances.

i've been feeling very very sick lately.
both physically, mentally, emotionally.
i'm pressed by all that i see the need for me to do.
and about the fact that i never seem to get enough time
for everything that i want to do.
i'm sick from being so far away from home
and having been away for so long.
and what makes me even sicker
is the fact that
even if i go back,
i might not feel at home.
i'm sick because i feel utterly alone
in this struggle.
i'm sick because no one will ever
really understand what i'm going through.
and even though it's not that others around me are
insensitive or careless to me...
whenever people mention something about their home,
something is stirred in me.
a sort of bitterness
and envy
and plain old SICKness.
because YOUR home is closer than mine.
you have no room to attest.

so
who am i?
and where am i going?
what am i doing here?
what is all of this mean anyway?
i'm sick because i don't get it.
i'm sick because i don't think anything can cure me.
i'm sick because
as much as i want to go home to korea,
i'm not sure if that's where my home and heart is.
sure, that is where my parents are.
and i miss them with a passion.
but where is MY home?
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a home.
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a place in this world.

so i hide.
in my room.
in my bed.
that is not even my own.
in my covers and soft blankets.
and in food. and eating.
alone.
in my room.
these are the only things that bring me comfort these days.
but even in the midst of these comforts.
i'm moved to tears.
and these tears
bring me back into my bed.
where i cry
and consider how this MUST be a trick of the devil
and how can i defeat him?
he knows me so well,
even my darkest little secrets.
and my deepest desires.
so even in my hiding,
i realize im exposed.
and i curl up even tighter
and pull my covers a little closer.
and pray that Jesus wrap his arms around me.
and hold me.
and be with me.
because only if that is true,
will i feel better.

and in my tiny little brain
i KNOW
that Jesus is my Savior
and he is Almighty
and he is WITH ME
and he will comfort me.
but its been so hard to believe that these days.

and with all of my heart and soul,
i'm not sure when i will be strong enough to just BE.
when will i have the faith that will move mountains.
when will i be able to disappoint the devil.
when will i discover Paul's secret
of being content whether in full or in need?
because i feel i am always in need.
and never content.
but if my Jesus is for me,
who can be against me?
and how come my mind and thoughts
do not align with my supposed beliefs?
and why do i keep failing in this way
weekend
after weekend
after weekend?

it's all about love, love, love

i just wanted to share my lover's
valentines day gift to me.


these photos definitely DO NOT do the scene justice.
but it was a beautiful and glorious sight.
and here is a glimpse of it.

happy ♥ day.
every day. ♥

reMINDers

today.
i saw my drivers license for the first time
in a long time.
and what i saw on it shocked me.

across the front,
in red,
it says,
'AGE 21 IN 2010'

this shocked me because
it IS 2010.
i'm gonna be 21 this year...
in 9 months, to be exact.
oh MY.
definitely not a kid anymore. ):

PARENTAL control

dang, i must look STUPID to God.
i must look SO FOOLISH!
i just learned the grace of a parent's love.
God's love.

to put it into context...
i've had a somewhat revolutionary day...
i'm not exactly sure when it started,
but i'm pretty sure that it began in my tagalog class
when my professor was advertising
southeast asian studies as a major/minor.
and i thought, "DANG i would LOVE that!"
but i only thought of it for 2 seconds.
cuz if i continued on this current doublemajorinurbanandlegalstudies path,
i had NO TIME to major or minor
or even continue taking tagalog classes.
later...
ten minutes into my history of southeast asia class,
i thought, "WOW, this stuff INTERESTS me.
i would LOVE to study this ALL DAY LONG."
history usually puts me to sleep,
i'm always SO awake for my history 111b classes...
and so i began to think.
why NOT?
what's keeping me from just studying southeast asia?
and its PEOPLE.?
because that's actually what i LOVE...
and i remembered my current path:
my doublemajorinurbanandlegalstudies path.
and then i wondered what major could possibly
let me study what i actually WANT to study.
already long story short,
i decided to go for an interdisciplinary studies major.
specifically, international law and human rights... for now.
with an emphasis in southeast asia region.
i dropped studio.
i dropped urban studies.
i dropped legal studies. sort of.

okay, so i can't quite say that my decision came slowly
and very patiently
with much prayer and thoughtfulness.
i'm known to act on impulse.
but this one. i had no choice.
my studio class is tomorrow
basically, all the arrows pointed to me dropping it.
now. today. this moment. fast.
but also very prayerfully.
and then i wanted to tell my parents.
because usually i can tell when i'm on God's path or not
because my parents either support me.
or they don't.
so i called my mom.

she LOVED it.
she was so happy for me.
so was my dad.
they told me how they had
never thought urban design was right for me.
and they had wanted to tell me to quit it
so many months ago
when i had been crying my eyes out about
not being good enough
and struggling to get by in school and studio...
but the thing is.
they DIDNT.
all because i had loved it so much.
at that time, anyway.
my dad said he didn't tell me what to do
because he knows i'm the kind of person
who needs to find out for myself
or else i would have regrets in the future.
they TRUSTED that God would lead me on the good path
and they TRUSTED that i would be listening and obey.
how mind-blowing!
all this time,
as i was running around,
trashing my body with starvation and coffee,
getting by on not enough sleep
and trying so hard to do something that's not for me
and in the end would not really benefit me much
and ALL THAT MONEY that went into that major!
ALL THIS TIME
they just sat by and watched...
wordlessly.
bringing up the possibility time and again.
but never saying it flat out...
letting me make this HUGE mistake.
a very COSTLY one, at that.
just because they love me.
and then i thought, "i must look so foolish!"

AND THEN
i thought, "DANG, i must look SO FOOLISh to God."
this must be how God sees us ALL THE TIME.
whenever we are going around and messing up our lives.
we must look so silly.
and so stupid.
trying to get by on decisions that we think are for us.
when actually they are not.
but the whole time He's watching,
He knows, ultimately, in the end.
He knows the outcome, BUT!
He lets us make those mistakes.
He lets us screw ourselves over.
He lets us find out for ourselves.
He LETS us do whatever we want
even if those things not good for us.
How crazy!
How ridiculous!
the fact that God would trust this world to man.
such love and grace and trust.
i definitely cannot wrap my head around.
because if i were God,
i would not trust man with such things.

and another scary thought:
my parents are becoming more and more like God...?

hiding in honesty

how long must i pray, must i pray to you?
how long must i wait, must i wait for you?
how long til i see your face, see you shining through?
i'm on my knees, begging you to notice me.
i'm on my knees, father will you turn to me?

one tear in the driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain
could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one light, that's all i am. right now i can barely stand.
if you're everything you say you are.
won't you come close and hold my heart. ♥

---tenth avenue north.

stand up. speak up.

"Seeking justice and
respecting the image of God
in everyone requires
knowing when to speak up &
when to gracefully stay silent."
-Julie Clawson, Everyday Justice

a revolutionary idea.
because we are not only called to love
those who are in need of justice
somewhere far, far away
in a distance third-world nation.
we are also called to love even those around us:
the privileged, the comfortable, the ones who have.

What makes us think that
God will send us to love the people
in dire situations of Cambodia,
when we can't even love the people
in stressful situations around us?

"you will experience greater things than these."

walking on water is my task.
trusting in Jesus is my purpose.
the winds of my failures
and the waves of my imperfection
are my distractions.
this world storms around me.
but Jesus always remains constant.
He says, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
and holds out His hands
to catch us when we think we're sinking.
He says, "You of little faith,
Why did you doubt?"
because with Jesus, we can walk on water.
and if
walking on water is my task.
and trusting in Jesus is my purpose
then even the winds of my failures
and the waves of my imperfections
cannot distract me.
and though this world storms around me.
one thing remains constant ---
i can always walk on water,
in Jesus' name.

Amen.