i don't like sympathy or pity

i just like to share my struggles.
because i don't like to keep my dark secrets hidden in the dark.
they are not to make others feel bad for me
or feel like they can relate to me.
this might happen.
but that is not my purpose.
besides.
i don't think anyone can fully ever understand
or be able to relate to my struggles.
i am a unique individual.
under my own unique set of circumstances.

i've been feeling very very sick lately.
both physically, mentally, emotionally.
i'm pressed by all that i see the need for me to do.
and about the fact that i never seem to get enough time
for everything that i want to do.
i'm sick from being so far away from home
and having been away for so long.
and what makes me even sicker
is the fact that
even if i go back,
i might not feel at home.
i'm sick because i feel utterly alone
in this struggle.
i'm sick because no one will ever
really understand what i'm going through.
and even though it's not that others around me are
insensitive or careless to me...
whenever people mention something about their home,
something is stirred in me.
a sort of bitterness
and envy
and plain old SICKness.
because YOUR home is closer than mine.
you have no room to attest.

so
who am i?
and where am i going?
what am i doing here?
what is all of this mean anyway?
i'm sick because i don't get it.
i'm sick because i don't think anything can cure me.
i'm sick because
as much as i want to go home to korea,
i'm not sure if that's where my home and heart is.
sure, that is where my parents are.
and i miss them with a passion.
but where is MY home?
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a home.
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a place in this world.

so i hide.
in my room.
in my bed.
that is not even my own.
in my covers and soft blankets.
and in food. and eating.
alone.
in my room.
these are the only things that bring me comfort these days.
but even in the midst of these comforts.
i'm moved to tears.
and these tears
bring me back into my bed.
where i cry
and consider how this MUST be a trick of the devil
and how can i defeat him?
he knows me so well,
even my darkest little secrets.
and my deepest desires.
so even in my hiding,
i realize im exposed.
and i curl up even tighter
and pull my covers a little closer.
and pray that Jesus wrap his arms around me.
and hold me.
and be with me.
because only if that is true,
will i feel better.

and in my tiny little brain
i KNOW
that Jesus is my Savior
and he is Almighty
and he is WITH ME
and he will comfort me.
but its been so hard to believe that these days.

and with all of my heart and soul,
i'm not sure when i will be strong enough to just BE.
when will i have the faith that will move mountains.
when will i be able to disappoint the devil.
when will i discover Paul's secret
of being content whether in full or in need?
because i feel i am always in need.
and never content.
but if my Jesus is for me,
who can be against me?
and how come my mind and thoughts
do not align with my supposed beliefs?
and why do i keep failing in this way
weekend
after weekend
after weekend?