first wish of the 20-year-old.

二十.이십.ishirini.veinte.vingt.dalawampung.twenty.20

I think for a while...
I wanted to deny that I'm getting older.
Because with growing older comes
more stress, pressures, and expectations.
And I'd like to think that those things aren't relevant to me.
Since I act like a kid... 100% of the time.
But even so... I think I'm now okay with it.
Now that it's happened.
I was just thinking about...
MATURITY.
how Henri Nouwen described it.
He said,
"But! Jesus has a different vision of MATURITY:
It is the ability & willingness to be led
where you would rather NOT GO."

I think my wish for this year
is... to represent this vision of MATURITY.
If this is how Jesus views MATURITY,
then I want to be have MORE ability
and MORE willingness to be led.
I want to be MORE of a servant-leader.
I want to be led to MORE unknown,
MORE undesireable, and MORE painful places.
And I want to be led MORE times into MORE of those places.
I think I just want MORE of Jesus. :)

even now can we sing

oh, can't contain our love.
we turn it up loud.
we love you Jesus
for so many reasons
for DEATH & LIFE & FREEDOM
even now we love you...
we love you Jesus
in and out of seasons
in VALLEYS & on TOP OF MOUNTAINS
even now can we sing...
we love you.

you are all i have.
& you are all i need.

RAiN[d]

so this morning.
i had class at 8 am.
when i left my room,
it wasn't raining.
it just looked partly cloudy,
with no chance of rain.
for circumstances that were unique to today
i stayed on campus from 8 am to 3 pm.
and by the time it got around to 1:15 pm,
it was raining pretty well.

so my trek up to wurster from dwinelle
at 2 pm, was slightly damp,
to say the least.
and the whole time i was thinking,
"just one more hour, just one more hour.
one more hour of being wet
and i can go home."
so class was bearable.
even in soaked jeans and rainbows.

i guess i had subconsciously assumed
that by the time the hour was over,
rain would have dwindled down...
but that was the opposite of what happened.
and so i had to,
once again,
adventure down through the rain to my dorm.

basically,
i walked through the rain today
with my umbrella and rainboots
IN MY CLOSET.
in a jacket with no hood
and rainbow flipflops.
perfect reason to complain.
and don't you worry, i did plenty of that--
in my head.
i actually i complained enough for 5 people--
in my mind.
so my whole walk back,
i was just thinking about what i would post
for the public to see so they would feel pity
that i had all the equipment to survive a storm
yet because i had a long day of classes,
i was not able to use any of it,
and i had to walk back in cold and wetness.
at the same time,
i was thinking how ridiculously slowwwww
this girl in front of me in rainbow dotted rainboots were walking
and how if i was her, i would walk faster
and be more considerate of those who were wet.

AND right in that moment
as these thoughts were running through my mind
faster than i was walking,
my feet sunk down into my 100th puddle of the day,
soaking thoroughly, my flipflops and jeans.

anddddddddddd
it wasn't anger that i felt,
but rather suchh FREEDOM.
i remembered how much i had missed walking through puddles
without rainboots
and without an umbrella
where my feet could feel the wetness
but it didn't matter anyway
because rain was meant to be wet
and i liked feeling it.
and it was OKAY.
how ironic, yea?
that i had fought so hard to be dry
and by doing so,
i had missed out on what was GOOD
about rainy days.

reflecting on that...
i couldn't help but think i had grown up
too much for my own good.
i mean.
there's no doubt.
rainboots and umbrellas are GOOD things.
especially on days when its flooding like noah's time
and winding like the typhoons.
but i became so caught in the comforts
and confines of the dry and busy world
that i forgot to stop sometimes.
i forgot to skip and play hopskotch.
i forgot to dance in the rain.
i forgot what it is to enjoy
whatever is being handed to me at the present.
instead, i was stuck in this tunnel-vision world
and if things didn't go the way i wanted it to,
then i would get upset and fretful and stressed.
and for what?
...

i don't think life was meant to be lived this way.
so although at first, it was more out of bitterness that i wanted to say this,
now it is out of a genuine grateful heart, that i say,
"thanks, God, for bringing me through rains
with my rainboots and umbrella
in my room."
i get it. :)

one moment...

So there are times
when you look all around you.
and notice everything that's happening...
and it's all Okay.
Everything is just as it should be.
God is good.
God is just.

preptalk

i'm prepping for another longgggggg night in studio.
and i know.
that i will fail.
that i will be lacking.
that i will be criticized.
that i will be let down.

but despite this.
i am enough.
because of you.
and because i have meaning in you,
i will do all these things.
and be glorious in your eyes.

i most definitely AM NOT

so i'm feeling super convicted right now.
because i'm super messed up.
and i just keep seeing all the places where i fail.
like i realized.
that i am such a hypocrite.
cuz although i preach justice and mercy...
i have none to spare for others.
i play favorites.
i don't love everyone.
i am biased.
i don't care about things that don't interest me.
i'm stubborn.
i hear others, but i don't listen.
i'm eager to express my opinions and talk about myself.
i waste so much time.
i spend too much money.
and i complain SO SO much.
and for someone with a lot of complaints,
i'm FORSURES lacking in action.
i know this is not a good place to be.
to wallow. and to sulk.
but this is me right now.
and this is really upsetting.
because even after hearing SUCH a good word today.
and having spent SUCH a good time with Jesus.
at the end of the day,
i return to focusing on me.
and how much i am lacking.
and how things aren't going well for me...
its as if i didn't learn anything at all.
i don't love.
i'm not patient or longsuffering or enduring.
i'm not trusting.
i'm not hoping.
i'm not joyful.
Jesus is not enough for me.
and this makes me want to lay down and CRY.

me, mE, ME!

I'm amazed at how much I dwell on me.
If you've talked to me recently,
you would know...
For some reason,
the topics of all of my conversation
comes straight back to one thing -- ME.
Honestly, these days I just feel like...
I can't have a normal conversation with other people
in which I express my love for them
and how much I care about them
because I'm SO consumed in thoughts of MYself.
I'm SO caught up with ME.
I can't think of anyone else.
I just constantly catch myself
talking about me. for SO long!
And who I am hates who I am being.
This really is not a good way to be, for me.
I'm really not liking it at all.
Seriously, even just consider this blog post.
How many times have I used the first person pronoun??
Someone stop me, PLEASE!!!

And what is with this feeling of apathy??
aka. lack of feeling?
I'm just.. void of feeling right now.
I'm not tired.
I'm not happy.
I'm not excited.
I'm not sad.
I'm not angry. or upset.
I'm just apathetic.
and that frustrates me.
Because I don't think this is how my Father
created me to be...

rush of fools.

there IS a reason for every thing.
i see it now.

good thing i didn't put my trust in such things.
because otherwise, i would have been let down.
and crushed. once again.
like a foool.

but i'm no fool.
i'm spirit-filled.
and wise through Him who strengthens me.