my first language

감사해요
깨닿지 못했었는데
내가 얼마나 소중한 존재라는것.
태초부터 지금까지 하나님의 사랑은
항상 날 향하고 있었다는것.
고마워요
그 사랑을 가르쳐준 당신께.
주께서 허락하신 당신께.
그리스도의 사랑으로 더욱 섬기며
이제 나도 세상에 전하리라.

당신은 사랑받기위해
그리고 그 사랑 전하기위해.
주께서 택하시고 이땅에 심으셨내
또하나의 열매를 바라시며.

God

if you're going to make something of me
can you do it soon, please?


because i dont know how much more of this
i can stand.

Dude,

I'm not that girl anymore.!

I had a dream about my ex last night.
And it wasn't a good feeling
to feel like I was back to where I had moved so far from.
But! I am proud to say
that even in my dream,
I made it VERY clear
that I'm not that girl I was before.
I am a new creation.
With a new, divine purpose.
I am new - inside and out.
And I know that I don't need to worry
about being THAT girl again. :)

burn.and.turn.?.

so i realized...
that i have a way of burning my relationships sometimes.
especially with guy-friends.
er should i say ex-guy-friends.

and i dont know how to reconcile with that.
cuz honestly...
these guys take up so much of my time.
and that's the reason why i found them annoying in the first place
and decided to ignore them.
because i would rather do that
than have the burden of having to be their "best friend"
and listen to every problem that they have.
and try to come up with ways to get past
walls they have built up themselves,
against other people,
and argue with them for hours on end
about how our viewpoints differ...
cuz these are the kinds of guys who keep trying to consult me--
guys i don't necessarily click with.
but.... lately...
hearing messages like:
the gospel is for everyone,
love your enemies,
humility = sacrificing my rights so that others can get theirs....
im sensing like.
something needs to change.
all those bridges that ive burned
need to be built up again.

but what do you do
when you don't even WANT to be friends again?
okay, i know the answer to that.
you can't always love people you LIKE.
but i mean...
is there ever a limit to sacrifice??
if being their friend means staying up late talking their issues out
and possibly failing a class....
are you supposed to sacrifice those grades??

please let me know,
dahil hindi ko alam!

first wish of the 20-year-old.

二十.이십.ishirini.veinte.vingt.dalawampung.twenty.20

I think for a while...
I wanted to deny that I'm getting older.
Because with growing older comes
more stress, pressures, and expectations.
And I'd like to think that those things aren't relevant to me.
Since I act like a kid... 100% of the time.
But even so... I think I'm now okay with it.
Now that it's happened.
I was just thinking about...
MATURITY.
how Henri Nouwen described it.
He said,
"But! Jesus has a different vision of MATURITY:
It is the ability & willingness to be led
where you would rather NOT GO."

I think my wish for this year
is... to represent this vision of MATURITY.
If this is how Jesus views MATURITY,
then I want to be have MORE ability
and MORE willingness to be led.
I want to be MORE of a servant-leader.
I want to be led to MORE unknown,
MORE undesireable, and MORE painful places.
And I want to be led MORE times into MORE of those places.
I think I just want MORE of Jesus. :)

even now can we sing

oh, can't contain our love.
we turn it up loud.
we love you Jesus
for so many reasons
for DEATH & LIFE & FREEDOM
even now we love you...
we love you Jesus
in and out of seasons
in VALLEYS & on TOP OF MOUNTAINS
even now can we sing...
we love you.

you are all i have.
& you are all i need.

RAiN[d]

so this morning.
i had class at 8 am.
when i left my room,
it wasn't raining.
it just looked partly cloudy,
with no chance of rain.
for circumstances that were unique to today
i stayed on campus from 8 am to 3 pm.
and by the time it got around to 1:15 pm,
it was raining pretty well.

so my trek up to wurster from dwinelle
at 2 pm, was slightly damp,
to say the least.
and the whole time i was thinking,
"just one more hour, just one more hour.
one more hour of being wet
and i can go home."
so class was bearable.
even in soaked jeans and rainbows.

i guess i had subconsciously assumed
that by the time the hour was over,
rain would have dwindled down...
but that was the opposite of what happened.
and so i had to,
once again,
adventure down through the rain to my dorm.

basically,
i walked through the rain today
with my umbrella and rainboots
IN MY CLOSET.
in a jacket with no hood
and rainbow flipflops.
perfect reason to complain.
and don't you worry, i did plenty of that--
in my head.
i actually i complained enough for 5 people--
in my mind.
so my whole walk back,
i was just thinking about what i would post
for the public to see so they would feel pity
that i had all the equipment to survive a storm
yet because i had a long day of classes,
i was not able to use any of it,
and i had to walk back in cold and wetness.
at the same time,
i was thinking how ridiculously slowwwww
this girl in front of me in rainbow dotted rainboots were walking
and how if i was her, i would walk faster
and be more considerate of those who were wet.

AND right in that moment
as these thoughts were running through my mind
faster than i was walking,
my feet sunk down into my 100th puddle of the day,
soaking thoroughly, my flipflops and jeans.

anddddddddddd
it wasn't anger that i felt,
but rather suchh FREEDOM.
i remembered how much i had missed walking through puddles
without rainboots
and without an umbrella
where my feet could feel the wetness
but it didn't matter anyway
because rain was meant to be wet
and i liked feeling it.
and it was OKAY.
how ironic, yea?
that i had fought so hard to be dry
and by doing so,
i had missed out on what was GOOD
about rainy days.

reflecting on that...
i couldn't help but think i had grown up
too much for my own good.
i mean.
there's no doubt.
rainboots and umbrellas are GOOD things.
especially on days when its flooding like noah's time
and winding like the typhoons.
but i became so caught in the comforts
and confines of the dry and busy world
that i forgot to stop sometimes.
i forgot to skip and play hopskotch.
i forgot to dance in the rain.
i forgot what it is to enjoy
whatever is being handed to me at the present.
instead, i was stuck in this tunnel-vision world
and if things didn't go the way i wanted it to,
then i would get upset and fretful and stressed.
and for what?
...

i don't think life was meant to be lived this way.
so although at first, it was more out of bitterness that i wanted to say this,
now it is out of a genuine grateful heart, that i say,
"thanks, God, for bringing me through rains
with my rainboots and umbrella
in my room."
i get it. :)

one moment...

So there are times
when you look all around you.
and notice everything that's happening...
and it's all Okay.
Everything is just as it should be.
God is good.
God is just.

preptalk

i'm prepping for another longgggggg night in studio.
and i know.
that i will fail.
that i will be lacking.
that i will be criticized.
that i will be let down.

but despite this.
i am enough.
because of you.
and because i have meaning in you,
i will do all these things.
and be glorious in your eyes.

i most definitely AM NOT

so i'm feeling super convicted right now.
because i'm super messed up.
and i just keep seeing all the places where i fail.
like i realized.
that i am such a hypocrite.
cuz although i preach justice and mercy...
i have none to spare for others.
i play favorites.
i don't love everyone.
i am biased.
i don't care about things that don't interest me.
i'm stubborn.
i hear others, but i don't listen.
i'm eager to express my opinions and talk about myself.
i waste so much time.
i spend too much money.
and i complain SO SO much.
and for someone with a lot of complaints,
i'm FORSURES lacking in action.
i know this is not a good place to be.
to wallow. and to sulk.
but this is me right now.
and this is really upsetting.
because even after hearing SUCH a good word today.
and having spent SUCH a good time with Jesus.
at the end of the day,
i return to focusing on me.
and how much i am lacking.
and how things aren't going well for me...
its as if i didn't learn anything at all.
i don't love.
i'm not patient or longsuffering or enduring.
i'm not trusting.
i'm not hoping.
i'm not joyful.
Jesus is not enough for me.
and this makes me want to lay down and CRY.

me, mE, ME!

I'm amazed at how much I dwell on me.
If you've talked to me recently,
you would know...
For some reason,
the topics of all of my conversation
comes straight back to one thing -- ME.
Honestly, these days I just feel like...
I can't have a normal conversation with other people
in which I express my love for them
and how much I care about them
because I'm SO consumed in thoughts of MYself.
I'm SO caught up with ME.
I can't think of anyone else.
I just constantly catch myself
talking about me. for SO long!
And who I am hates who I am being.
This really is not a good way to be, for me.
I'm really not liking it at all.
Seriously, even just consider this blog post.
How many times have I used the first person pronoun??
Someone stop me, PLEASE!!!

And what is with this feeling of apathy??
aka. lack of feeling?
I'm just.. void of feeling right now.
I'm not tired.
I'm not happy.
I'm not excited.
I'm not sad.
I'm not angry. or upset.
I'm just apathetic.
and that frustrates me.
Because I don't think this is how my Father
created me to be...

rush of fools.

there IS a reason for every thing.
i see it now.

good thing i didn't put my trust in such things.
because otherwise, i would have been let down.
and crushed. once again.
like a foool.

but i'm no fool.
i'm spirit-filled.
and wise through Him who strengthens me.

city sunrise

In the dark
we only see streaks of light
and glimmers of hope
But after the sun has risen
and the fog has lifted,
we see the beauty
of the space
in this place.
And it is worthwhile to be here after all.

"I will hide my face from this city because of all its wickedness. Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." -Jeremiah 33:5-6-

love & blessings

we love you Jesus
for so many reasons
for death
and life
and freeedom
even now we love you...

we love you Jesus
in and out of seasons
and valleys
and on top of mountains
even now can we sing...

we love you Jesus.

----------------------

Healer.
was one of Jesus' titles.
Healing was part of His work.
Yet!
When news about Him spread
and people came to hear and be healed,
Jesus often withdrew himself
from the crowds
to the lonely places
and prayed.
My theory has always been that...
If I don't have enough time for something,
I will MAKE time by waking up early
and sleeping heckof late.
But maybe that's not what Jesus wants for me.
Because He grants sleep to those He loves.
Maybe I am being called to drop some of what I do
and stop wasting my time on useless things.
But what is useful & useless -- I do not know.
That requires discernment.
That requires divine intervention. in my life.
Being led by Jesus -- which means I FOLLOW.

Jesus lead me.
Help me keep my eyes on You.
I only want to go where You lead me.
Because only where You lead me is blessed.
And I want to be blessed. ♥

my heart's desire ♥

maybe it's called ambition
but we've been talkin' in our sleep
about a dream.
we're awakening. !

"Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart."
[Psalms 37:4]

hmm...
I know it's not a good thing to be motivated by this.
But sometimes I think I hold on to Jesus for this reason.
Because He is a loving God
who CARES about us
and our needs
and what we desire from the bottom of our hearts.
And though it is hard to live like we believe this.
I have firm faith that God will provide
all things I want and need and ask for.
So I think I know that God will give me a shot at my heart's desire.
I think He will give me a shot at love.
I think He will give me a chance to live in what I love the most.
I think He will give me the opportunity to do what I love the best.
And it's just so comforting to think about.

the mirror.

The 'me' I see inside this mirror
right now, right at this moment in time,
is a whole different person
from the 'me' I was back before June 1.
Yes, I am different outwardly --
I have a new hairstyle,
a new ring and jewelry,
more fashionable clothes
and stylish shoes,
a different shade of skin from a tan
or lack thereof,
a few more bruises on my arms and shoulders,
maybe even different manner of speaking...
But inwardly,
I don't think I would be able to say
that I am that same girl who left California
for Korea, hesitantly, awkwardly, on June 1, 2009.

If you were to ask me how my summer was,
rather than to say, "It was good,"
I would have to say, as silly as it sounds,
"It was God."

I've learned SO much this summer.
I've had a packed summer
full of schedules, struggles, and scandals.
From the Philippines mission trip
to Centrifuge
to Yonsei Summer School and my granparents home
to my home and home church...
I've wrestled with everything from identity
to relationships
to seeking God
to finding home
to teaching kids.
But one thing that's been a constant in my summer
has been the fingerprints of God.
Looking back,
I see them EVERYWHERE.
I see Him EVERYWHERE.
I know for certain now.
there has not been a moment wasted,
a tear wasted,
a situation wasted....
God turned all those things into
a beautiful flow of events,
teaching me and guiding me.
All the while, whispering in my ear, "I love you,"
and healing my beat up, torn up heart.
Praise God for prayers answered.

In the end, I think I can say.
This has been the hardest summer of my life.
But also the most worth while.
And I know that I am just a little bit stronger
if not a little bit smarter than I was before.
And definitely more prepared for what's to come...

TIME: is of the essence

in His time
in His time
He makes all things beautiful
in His time
Lord please show me every day
as You're teaching me Your way
that You do just what You say
in Your time

could i talk to You?
are You listening?
would You let me ask the questions
that burn inside of me?
i am reaching out.
i am holding on.
feel like one of Your affections
but not quite like i belong...

-hope

I seriously cannot hold this in.
and I don't know what to do about it.
I've never felt so passionate and desperate
about something of this world before.
And it's not that I am in love.
Okay, maybe I am.
But it's not what you imagine.

I think...
the best way to put it is.
I am in love with those people.
Who are those people?
Those people who are suffering.

Those people who have had wrongs

done against them.

Those people who have no voice or
are in no position to speak for themselves.
I feel for them.
My heart breaks for them.
I don't pity them.
I am moved.
And I want to move. I want to act.
I want to do something about this.
I'm so frustrated that I can't.
What do I need to become to help them?
to bring them justice?
to bring them hope?
I don't want to be God.
And I know I can't fix every injustice
or horrible act that occurs in this world.
But I want to do SOMETHING.

Everything I'm learning about

in my international human rights law class

is making me think HOW BROKEN we are.

as a people.

It's just SO sad how cruel and unjust people can act.

And you would think that the law would fix this.

But there are SO many flaws to the structure

that is supposed to bring justice and truth.

It all seems so -hope. minus hope. hopeless.

But I know there's still got to be hope.

Because everything of God is GOOD.

And God is still God of this world...

Just to give you an idea about hope...
Even though I feel hopeless at the moment.
(because I'm looking at the world and not God)
I know God is still present here.
And there is still hope.
I see it.
For instance,
there was a genocide in Cambodia in the 70s.
If you don't know about it, I could tell you the whole story later.
But it was horrible.
It lasted 4 years. and 2 million people were killed.
And the people responsible for the mass murders
are just NOW being put on trial.
And in a court of law,
genocide is extremely hard to prove.
I can explain that later, too.
All of the 5 on trial deny that a genocide ever happened.
Except one.
And this guy, the reason why he admits everything
is because he converted to Christianity a few years back.
His testimony can be the ONE thing
that brings all 5 people punishment for their wrongs.
And the millions of Cambodian victims of the genocide
a sense of justice for their sufferings.

God is still God.
And God is still good.

HOME is heaven ♥

Revelation 21:2~8.

I want to sit at your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand.
Lay back against you and b r e a t h e
feel your heartbeat. ♥
This love is so deep.
It's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace...
It's overwhelming.

my life's purpose ♥

speak. in this close communion
though this hour seems timeless still
i wait for Your words that bid me come...

breathe. in me Holy Spirit
the will when my tomorrow comes
to follow when this song is gone...

so i await the words that You say
i open my life..
i'm longing just to hear the words
that You say
that You say.

shape. me with words of wisdom
free my torn heart from this world
renew my mind and form my will... ♥

teach. me to wholly offer
more than words that i can sing
so i become the song i bring...

so i await the words that You say
i open my life.
i'm longing just to hear these words
that You say
that You say.

can i be
an instrument of praise?
and here pursue Your heart
so my life will tell of who You are.
can i be
a channel of Your love?
a reflection of Your light
and live to bring you praise and serve You, Lord

love at first sight

Isaiah 43 = ♥

as we serve your heart, serve your ♥

There is a difference.
And I've had a revolution.
There is a difference between...

Fitting God into my will.
and
Fitting me into God's will.

It's so easy to try to do life my way
and then sprinkle a little GOD on top of it.
Yea, I aced my class,
praise GOD.
I want to become a doctor
so I can serve GOD.
But honestly...
if we're doing life our way,
which means we're not acknowledging
the Almighty-ness and
the Allpowerful-ness and
the Lordship of GOD
over this world and
over our lives
why do we even bother
adding GOD to OUR picture?
If we're sufficient on our own,
why do we even need GOD?

See, I think that's where we fail.

Our tiny, insignificant, sinful,
egocentric, human minds
cannot grasp the concept of this
great, powerful, divine, and gracious
being. we call GOD.

I feel like I've been living the wrong way.
It's not. My life + God.
It's more like. My life = God.
I don't get to choose which parts of my life
I want God to be in.
I don't have that power.
And God's not the lost one.
I am.
God found me.
And He chose me.
And since He chose me,
He gets to choose which parts of my life
He gets to be in.
And He's chosen ALL of it.

I had life from the wrong perspective.
From the perspective that I'm higher than I really am.
And God is smaller than He really is.

It's actually very simple, though.
God is HUGE!
I am tiny.
And I fit into His will.
I am a tiny speck in His BIG picture.
Even though,
with my tiny eyes,
I can't see that.

struggle with my self

I'm not that girl.
I never was.
Nor will I ever be.
I'm not that girl who clings to untruth as if it is truth itself.
I'm not that girl who refuses to give up on the one thing that keeps tripping her up.
I'm not that girl whose world revolves around a certain guy.
I'm not that girl.
I'm not that girl who lets herself feel worth according to how many or how much people like her.
I'm not that girl.
I'm not that girl who hangs on to worldly material possessions.
I'm not that girl.
I'm not that girl who lets her heart get trampled on by standing by and watching.
I'm not that girl who's afraid to stand up and speak up for what I believe in because I'm scarred of what THEY will say.
I'm just not that girl.
Neither am I that girl who compares herself with others and shrinks back because she feels inadequate.
I'm not that girl... anymore.
I'm that girl who stands strong in her status as God's beautiful and precious daughter, whom he loves VERY much.
I'm that girl who will put God above all else.
I'm that girl who cares not what others say, but only cares what her audience of 1 will say.
I'm that girl who takes it all in stride because she knows God's got her back.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who is never shaken in faith by the darts of Satan, the world, and fleshly desires.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who will risk her life for Jesus and others, no hesitation.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who is bold and courageous, never afraid to step into the unknown.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who pours out her heart into everything she does because her husband, Jesus did so.
I'm that girl who who loves Jesus first and always, no matter how unpopular that makes her.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who is more than a conqueror and breaks sin.
I'm that girl who is strong in herself just because of who her heavenly Father is.
I'm that girl.
I'm that girl who is experiencing the living, breathing, moving God daily,
and it is evident to everyone who meets her.
I'm that girl.
<3

answer to my prayers.

f a l l i n g on my knees
in worship
giving all i am
to seek Your face.
Lord, all i am is Yours.

my whole life
i place in Your hands.
God of mercy
humbled i bow down...
in Your presence
at Your throne.

i called.
You answered.
And You came to my rescue
and i
i wanna be where You are...

He speaks to me.
He calls to me.
He comes to my rescue and says,
"Child, why do you fear?
I am here."

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

words that seem to disappear.

I just wrote a whole thing about how I feel.
I copied it, ctrl+C.
I pasted, ctrl+V.
And it didn't appear.
Apparently words disappear into thin air.
Maybe that's symbolic of actual words...
They are meaningless.
They are nothing.
If not backed up by the more important stuff.
Like actions.
Like love.

If my heart is deceitful above all things.
and desperately wicked.
And if I strive to follow in Jesus' footsteps
and have a heart like His...
Why can't I ever shut off my own sin-filled heart?

Why does it feel like Jesus is leading me down
this ridiculous path
and I'm sitting there
staring at it with my mouth hanging open
cuz I'm thinking
how IMPOSSIBLE it looks
for me to get through it?

Jesus... where are you?

reflecting on WEARYness.

wea·ry·ness \ˈwir-ē-nəs\ n.
the state of feeling or showing tiredness,
esp. as a result of excessive exertion
or lack of sleep

I think I can,
for once in my life,
adequately say that I am not only tired,
but I am very weary.
I think I never knew what that really meant
until now...
Thoughts of sleep consume my mind.
Literally, that's all I ever think about.
I can't even stop
and find rest (Oh my soul)
in God alone,
because I am SO busy thinking about sleep
and feeling overwhelmingly weary.
So how to break out of this?
I've been trying...
I've been trying to sleep more,
when I can,
trying to find rest in simple things:
listening to orchestra music,
writing in my journal,
reading my Bible,
watching 꽃보다남자....
but nothing really satisfies...
And quenches my thirst
and helps me feel very alive...

Jesus says:
"Come to me all you
who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you
and learn from me,
for I am gentle & humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Right.
That's great and all...
But I don't FEEL it.
Jesus, I'm ASKing you, right now.
can you teach me how.
Show me what that looks like
for me to go to you.
Cuz I really don't know...

You know, the saddest part is.
While I'm so consumed with myself
my WEARYness,
my struggles,
I have no time to care about others.
There are so many people around me
every day
who are struggling worse than I am.
and I have no heart to look at them.
and help them.
Because I'm so focused on fixing myself.
What a broken person I am.
Where is the beauty in the broken?

thirsty. & tired.

My soul thirsts for God,
the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say,
"I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

---
David the drama queen?
All those words up there...
were not written by me, merely
REwritten.
They were already written by David,
thousands of years ago...
I think David is the greatest poet I know
because he writes such honest lyrics
and his words surpass time and space.
Because although I am currently
in the year 2009
in Berkeley, CA
I know exactly how he felt
when he wrote those words.
-.passionate.desperate.tired.-
---

Hope
is not pretending
that there's never
any sorrow~
It's the knowledge
that our troubles
will be overcome tomorrow.
It's the inner strength
we call on
to sustain us now and then,
Till our problems
lie behind us,
and we're happy once again.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
[2nd part to Psalm 13, which I REwrote in the beginning]

-->neverland<--

Apparently,
adult life is all about paperwork.
And phone calls with holds
which redirects to other people
who redirect you to other people
who redirect you to other people
who redirect you to paperwork...
No wonder laws don't get passed...

holy anger?

I am angry.
I don't understand my anger, either.
I don't really understand what's going on...
but all I know is I'm angry.
And I'm not angry at anyone in particular.
I'm angry at satan.
and hopelessness.
and probably myself:
my weaknesses,
my failings,
my lackingness,
all the areas where I fall short.
I'm angry with myself
about my lack of trust...

First of all,
I'm angry with satan.
I'm angry with him because he has such power over people.
Why is there evil in this world?
injustice? poverty? hunger?
Satan.
No, wait..
I'm sure that God willed it to be this way...
but...
It just makes me so so angry
that some people can't let go of the flashy things
that satan shows them in their daily life
and give it up for the everlasting God,
just because it is hard.
And I know that God uses the bad things
to make good things happen.
He takes the old
and makes it new...
But, really, God...
all that pain,
all that sorrow,
all that helpless addiction,
all that emptiness,
is that really necessary?
And wait, what I feel..
is that sadness or passionate anger?
Whatever it is...
It just stirs up so much emotion inside of me.
And I have no idea what to do with it...

Secondly, I'm angry with myself.
I feel so hopeless.
And even though I claim that I TRUST God,
in my mind,
in my heart,
there are so many areas where I'm
still trying to maintain control
rather than having released all those
worries
over to God.
Seriously...
what am I doing?
If I truly believe that God is Lord over all,
why do I still worry about little things like
boat dance tickets?
If I truly believe that God is Lord over all,
why do I still plan and daydream my future
months in advance?
If I truly believe that God is Lord over all,
why do I still feel like there are hopelessly
unreachable people in my life?

Seriously...
what am I doing?

SO acquire[D] the fire

There is no telling how FANTASTIC God has been to me.
Everything just seems to fit together SO well with Him in the picture.
That is a certain thing, I can testify.
He has been SO faithful to me, and I cannot help but PRAISE!
Even Acquire the Fire,
which I went to by accident
(I was a chaperone for the one girl
who went from my cousin's church
youth group, CCKC)
was just SUCH a confirmation of
everything He had been revealing to me.
And I'm just SO encouraged
by the transformations in the lives of those around me,
the revelation of hope He has revealed to me,
and how He has opened my eyes to all the ways I've been blessed!

You can't stand up sitting down.
"I know your deeds;
you have a reputation of being alive,
but you are dead.
Wake up!
Strengthen what remains
and is about to die,
for I have not found your deeds complete
in the sight of my God." -Rev. 3:1b-2-

The time has to stand for what we believe in.
So I, for one, am gonna give my praise to You!
Today, today is all or nothing.
All the way,
the praise goes out to You.
Today, today I live for one thing.
To give you praise
in everything I do.
Yea, the praise goes out to You! :)

easy breezy

beautiful
cover-girl.

I can suck it up.
I'm a big girl
with big dreams,
and big things to do,
in my big future.
But most importantly
I'm a big girl
with a big God,
big Papa,
watching out for my every move.



(but in my mind im
kicking & screaming:
i can't do this...
God, help me
pleaseeeeeeeee.)

something beautiful

When you come across something good,
you HAVE to share.
And that's me.

Every time I start to think too much
or the clouds begin to roll in to create storms in my head,
God brings in something new to show me the light
no matter what dark corner I see myself in.

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it...
It was he who gave some to be apostles,
some to be prophets,
some to be evangelists,
and some to be pastors and teachers,
to prepare God's people for works of service,
so that the body of Christ may be built up
until we all reach unity
in the faith
and in the knowledge of the Son of God
and become mature,
attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
Then we will no long be infants,
tossed back and forth by the waves
and blown here and there by every wind
of teaching
and by the cunning and craftiness of men
in their deceitful scheming.
Instead,
speaking the truth in LOVE,
we will in all things grow into Him
who is the Head, that is, Christ.

How lovely is your dwelling place.

millions of Peaches, Peaches for me.

So I was eating breakfast this morning.
And I was thinking.
about... fruit.
And how I actually have so many different stories behind each fruit.
And I associate different people
with different fruit...
It's not just because I've seen them eat it so much.
There is actually a story behind each person-fruit relationship.
So here's my list:

Peaches - my granpa (my dad's dad)
Apples, Mangos - my sister
Kiwis - my mom
Bananas - my cousins Joyce and Isaac
Pomegranates - my dad
Raspberries - my 할아버지 (my mom's dad)
Grapes - my 할머니 (my mom's mom)
Apricots - my granma (my dad's mom)
Plums - my friend Kristina
Strawberries - me.

I think the reason why I thought of this
was because I was eating a peach...
Or trying to eat a peach.
I realized I know how to cut almost every fruit.
Except a peach...
(And maybe a pineapple, just because I haven't tried.)
And then I was kind of sad.
Because peaches were what I claimed to be my favorite fruit...
for a while... except not really.
Because I love ALL fruits.
But peaches always make me think of my Granpa from my dad's side.
Whenever I eat a peach, I think about how,
when I was little and I used to live with my granparents
or used to visit them in California for the summers,
we rarely ate peaches.
And if we ate peaches, we ate it in secret in the kitchen,
while my granpa was studying or watching TV in the living room.
Because my granpa was deathly allergic to them.
If he even SAW peaches, he would have an allergic reaction...
so my mom and granma said...
I don't think it works like that,
but I just remember being scared that my granpa would walk in any second
and have an allergic reaction!
And I felt really worried every time I ate peaches in secret.
But I couldn't not eat them...
Peaches were SO good!
And then I would get really sad that
Granpa couldn't enjoy something THIS tasty...

And then many years later,
my sister (who hates fruits)
said that she can't eat fruits, especially peaches,
because her throat got itchy.
And then "OH! You must be allergic!"
was what my mom said.
And I thought that was really silly.
Even though my parents thought it was totally legit.
Since allergies, apparently, runs in the family,
and since my granpa was allergic,
my sister could totally be allergic.
But I didn't believe her.
Since she's been eating peaches fine her whole life til then.
And especially since she said the same thing about apples.
And then when she had her allergy test done,
they never said anything about apple or peach allergies.
Just corn and dust and pollen.
So I always though it was rude
that my sister faked my granpa's allergies.
Since his was so darn serious.

So these are all the things that run through my mind
every time I think about or eat peaches.
They are sweet and yum,
but there are some serious and sad things associated, too.
Not to mention the most recent story of my peach.
When I witnessed a CATERPILLAR wriggling around in my
oh so yummmmmm peach!
That could been my granpa in heaven,
trying to warn me not to eat peaches.
Maybe I'm secretly allergic
and only him and God know about it...

knowing. vs. KNOWING.

You know there are things that you know.
And then there are things that you KNOW.
You know, like head knowledge verses heart knowledge.
And although the conversion seems very simple,
the distance from your head to heart can be oh SO far.
But do not FEAR! God is near.
He is oh so good in every way.
And I can testify that He has taught me everything in REAL LIFE,
taught me those things that I learned in my bible study the past few weeks in ONE emotional night.
So now I KNOW... no, actually I REALLY KNOW.

Last night...
I learned SO much about God's timing.
And God does answer prayers.
And He does it with His knowledge of me,
which exceeds my knowledge of me by WAY more.
How crazy!
He redoubtably searches my heart and KNOWS me, inside and out.
Not only does he KNOW what I want, but He KNOWS what I need.
I thought I wanted a break with friends in a new and exciting place that is colder.
But God KNEW that actually,
I wanted a break at a different kind of home,
full of rest, full of good food, full of family, full of sunshine.
I learned that I need to depend on God in all things.
And not just "depend" on Him, like I pray to Him.
But to ACTUALLY depend on Him as in I listen to what He tells me.
This oh SO valuable lesson came at a cost, though.
A VERY high cost, financially and emotionally.
For me, AND more importantly, for MANY others.
I now know the full extent of how my actions can affect others.
And although I am ashamed to have committed such an act,
I am not regretful.
I know this is what God used to break me.
I'm too stubborn--He KNOWS way too well.
Any other way, and I would not have listened.
This was my 4:30 AM wake-up call.
Which came 12-hours too late.
But now that I look back on it... I would have to say...
God is good.
And I know God uses every incident for my good.
To build me up into that person He wants me to be,
to do whatever He wants me to do.
So once again.... I'm at this spot...
That spot that I'm always at after I inventory the damage after the storm.
The point where I begin to make renovations.
And look forward to the sunny days and the storms to come.
At the same time, remembering what has just passed.
If I'm the house, then
I've lost all my decorations.
I've lost my wallpaper.
I've lost my glass in my windows, my electricity.
I'm stripped down.
I'm humbled.
I'm exposed and naked.
But I'm with God.
And for this,
I'm excited.