hunger

the only thing worse than hunger pains is
the pain of fullness on your stomach
and the heavyness of the weight
gained as a result of a society built on
food, food, and more produced abundance
off which i live.
because the burden of hunger is light.
but the burden of fullness is nothing but HEAVY.
because this food brings me guilt.
this food of HAVING while others DONT.
i despise any semblance of first-world culture
that i own
and wear
and partake in
down to my chubby body and the korean glasses on my nose.
because while others are dying
i sit here and complain
that i'm not skinny enough
that i have to wear glasses.
i complain of my overabundance.
and that is very disturbing
and very distracting to me.
distracting to my goal,
purpose,
task.
maybe i am radical.
but
i would rather have nothing
and live in love.
rather than have much
and live in hate.

but for the time being.
i am here.
i have much.
i am FULL.
and i should equip myself.
to be even more FULL.
not in the physical sense.
but in a spiritual
and mental sense.
so that when i do ever end up empty.
in an empty desert with no resources.
i can tap into the deepest parts of my fullness
and let that come flowing out
filling me
and overflowing to others around me.

may i be as full as a plump and greedy old 부자,
but eat with the hunger of a 거지.
partaking in the most delicious of fruits of wisdom,
thus becoming equipped to produce seeds of my own
so that i may teach the least of those to grow trees
from my seeds
and indulge in the fruits of their abundance
through me.
MEANWHILE, may all of my glory go to God
the creator and orchestrator of all things.
who's the one who made me the plump, greedy old 부자 to begin with...

i don't like sympathy or pity

i just like to share my struggles.
because i don't like to keep my dark secrets hidden in the dark.
they are not to make others feel bad for me
or feel like they can relate to me.
this might happen.
but that is not my purpose.
besides.
i don't think anyone can fully ever understand
or be able to relate to my struggles.
i am a unique individual.
under my own unique set of circumstances.

i've been feeling very very sick lately.
both physically, mentally, emotionally.
i'm pressed by all that i see the need for me to do.
and about the fact that i never seem to get enough time
for everything that i want to do.
i'm sick from being so far away from home
and having been away for so long.
and what makes me even sicker
is the fact that
even if i go back,
i might not feel at home.
i'm sick because i feel utterly alone
in this struggle.
i'm sick because no one will ever
really understand what i'm going through.
and even though it's not that others around me are
insensitive or careless to me...
whenever people mention something about their home,
something is stirred in me.
a sort of bitterness
and envy
and plain old SICKness.
because YOUR home is closer than mine.
you have no room to attest.

so
who am i?
and where am i going?
what am i doing here?
what is all of this mean anyway?
i'm sick because i don't get it.
i'm sick because i don't think anything can cure me.
i'm sick because
as much as i want to go home to korea,
i'm not sure if that's where my home and heart is.
sure, that is where my parents are.
and i miss them with a passion.
but where is MY home?
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a home.
i'm sick because i'm afraid i might not have a place in this world.

so i hide.
in my room.
in my bed.
that is not even my own.
in my covers and soft blankets.
and in food. and eating.
alone.
in my room.
these are the only things that bring me comfort these days.
but even in the midst of these comforts.
i'm moved to tears.
and these tears
bring me back into my bed.
where i cry
and consider how this MUST be a trick of the devil
and how can i defeat him?
he knows me so well,
even my darkest little secrets.
and my deepest desires.
so even in my hiding,
i realize im exposed.
and i curl up even tighter
and pull my covers a little closer.
and pray that Jesus wrap his arms around me.
and hold me.
and be with me.
because only if that is true,
will i feel better.

and in my tiny little brain
i KNOW
that Jesus is my Savior
and he is Almighty
and he is WITH ME
and he will comfort me.
but its been so hard to believe that these days.

and with all of my heart and soul,
i'm not sure when i will be strong enough to just BE.
when will i have the faith that will move mountains.
when will i be able to disappoint the devil.
when will i discover Paul's secret
of being content whether in full or in need?
because i feel i am always in need.
and never content.
but if my Jesus is for me,
who can be against me?
and how come my mind and thoughts
do not align with my supposed beliefs?
and why do i keep failing in this way
weekend
after weekend
after weekend?

it's all about love, love, love

i just wanted to share my lover's
valentines day gift to me.


these photos definitely DO NOT do the scene justice.
but it was a beautiful and glorious sight.
and here is a glimpse of it.

happy ♥ day.
every day. ♥

reMINDers

today.
i saw my drivers license for the first time
in a long time.
and what i saw on it shocked me.

across the front,
in red,
it says,
'AGE 21 IN 2010'

this shocked me because
it IS 2010.
i'm gonna be 21 this year...
in 9 months, to be exact.
oh MY.
definitely not a kid anymore. ):

PARENTAL control

dang, i must look STUPID to God.
i must look SO FOOLISH!
i just learned the grace of a parent's love.
God's love.

to put it into context...
i've had a somewhat revolutionary day...
i'm not exactly sure when it started,
but i'm pretty sure that it began in my tagalog class
when my professor was advertising
southeast asian studies as a major/minor.
and i thought, "DANG i would LOVE that!"
but i only thought of it for 2 seconds.
cuz if i continued on this current doublemajorinurbanandlegalstudies path,
i had NO TIME to major or minor
or even continue taking tagalog classes.
later...
ten minutes into my history of southeast asia class,
i thought, "WOW, this stuff INTERESTS me.
i would LOVE to study this ALL DAY LONG."
history usually puts me to sleep,
i'm always SO awake for my history 111b classes...
and so i began to think.
why NOT?
what's keeping me from just studying southeast asia?
and its PEOPLE.?
because that's actually what i LOVE...
and i remembered my current path:
my doublemajorinurbanandlegalstudies path.
and then i wondered what major could possibly
let me study what i actually WANT to study.
already long story short,
i decided to go for an interdisciplinary studies major.
specifically, international law and human rights... for now.
with an emphasis in southeast asia region.
i dropped studio.
i dropped urban studies.
i dropped legal studies. sort of.

okay, so i can't quite say that my decision came slowly
and very patiently
with much prayer and thoughtfulness.
i'm known to act on impulse.
but this one. i had no choice.
my studio class is tomorrow
basically, all the arrows pointed to me dropping it.
now. today. this moment. fast.
but also very prayerfully.
and then i wanted to tell my parents.
because usually i can tell when i'm on God's path or not
because my parents either support me.
or they don't.
so i called my mom.

she LOVED it.
she was so happy for me.
so was my dad.
they told me how they had
never thought urban design was right for me.
and they had wanted to tell me to quit it
so many months ago
when i had been crying my eyes out about
not being good enough
and struggling to get by in school and studio...
but the thing is.
they DIDNT.
all because i had loved it so much.
at that time, anyway.
my dad said he didn't tell me what to do
because he knows i'm the kind of person
who needs to find out for myself
or else i would have regrets in the future.
they TRUSTED that God would lead me on the good path
and they TRUSTED that i would be listening and obey.
how mind-blowing!
all this time,
as i was running around,
trashing my body with starvation and coffee,
getting by on not enough sleep
and trying so hard to do something that's not for me
and in the end would not really benefit me much
and ALL THAT MONEY that went into that major!
ALL THIS TIME
they just sat by and watched...
wordlessly.
bringing up the possibility time and again.
but never saying it flat out...
letting me make this HUGE mistake.
a very COSTLY one, at that.
just because they love me.
and then i thought, "i must look so foolish!"

AND THEN
i thought, "DANG, i must look SO FOOLISh to God."
this must be how God sees us ALL THE TIME.
whenever we are going around and messing up our lives.
we must look so silly.
and so stupid.
trying to get by on decisions that we think are for us.
when actually they are not.
but the whole time He's watching,
He knows, ultimately, in the end.
He knows the outcome, BUT!
He lets us make those mistakes.
He lets us screw ourselves over.
He lets us find out for ourselves.
He LETS us do whatever we want
even if those things not good for us.
How crazy!
How ridiculous!
the fact that God would trust this world to man.
such love and grace and trust.
i definitely cannot wrap my head around.
because if i were God,
i would not trust man with such things.

and another scary thought:
my parents are becoming more and more like God...?