i hate shopping.

today, my mom and i went shopping.
my first korea shopping experience in a long time.
and during this 3 hour endeavor.
i came to a series of questions//frustrations.

1- why must i be skinny or try to lose weight
to fit into fashionable clothes?
why is there a right weight and a right body size?
and why does it matter that i strive to meet that ideal?
i gained a lot of weight in the past school year.
so much to the point that i am SO ashamed of my body.
when i first saw my parents at the airport,
the first thing my dad said to me was,
"you gained a lot of weight, aileen, you know that?"
and this is the first time that my parents tell me to work out
and they're SERIOUS. and they keep insisting. on a regular basis.
this has never happened to me before.
i was always the skinny one of the family.
i was the dog who they fed their scraps to.
i was the one they tried to tempt with junk food late at night.
and this fact. my shame. and the source of it.
kept coming up as i tried on dress after dress
at the department store today, and found that i couldn't fit into many.
and then theres the fact that korean clothes sizes range from
size 0 to size 5 in ladies.
and i was constantly reminded that i'm not a "korean lady".
and honestly sometimes, i wish that i was.

2 - so why does it matter if i dress fashionably or not?
why does it matter so much what i wear?
why is it so important that i have the trendiest outfits?
and why do i feel so inferior when i feel like i'm under-dressed?
why do i have to dress like im an adult now that im 20,
and WHO decided that 20-year-olds must dress a certain way?
i've realized that...
i am a product of the fashion ideals of mom and sister.
taking whatever scraps they hand me, left and right,
listening to what they think i should wear and
filling my closet with such clothes they would approve of.
because, as i always say, "i suck at fashion."
but today, i got to thinking.
why do i need to be bossed around about what i wear?
why does it matter if my clothes fit
what my mom think is "fashionable" or "classy" or not?
throughout my years of shopping with mom and sister,
their lace-loving, black and white, vest and big-shirt styles,
i'd had my medium of expression of self suppressed.
if everyone has style,
then doesn't that mean that i have my own, as well?
and if i do, who actually cares what other people say?
but i look at the clothes that i wear now.
and see what the more fashionable people around me wear.
and i think, "dang, i wish i could dress like that."

3 - i'm so broken.
i have a lot of issues. things i always struggle with.
self image, ethnic identity, consumerism... to name a few.
i think that all of the frustrations listed above
hide in them deeper frustrations i have with myself.
things like...
not being able to love myself how i am,
trying to figure out how korean or how american i am,
feeling inferior to my sister,
trying to live out justice... to name a few.
and because of my deep struggles,
even mundane, everyday things like shopping bother me
and rub me the wrong way.
when they shouldn't.

i just want to play in the ocean...

i came to the realization. that.
this is my first...

i've NEVER missed a major IV retreat/conference.
nso, fall con, doc, urbana, apa, sup, chapter camp...
heard of it? i've been there.
at least once.
if IV were school, i'd have perfect attendance.
and an A+.

and this is the first retreat that i've missed.
and it happens to be the HUGEST retreat of the year...
man oh man. what a change.

i'm kinda sad, i'm not gonna lie.
i'm worried, just a tad bit.
because those places are where relationships are strengthened
and new relationships are formed
as well as where a wellspring of inside jokes
and millions of memories are made...
only accessible to those who have been there.

for the FIRST TIME,
i'm not a part of that...
i feel like i've become an outsider in the IV community.

but. at the same time.
when i look up from this screen.
and SEE, with my own two eyes,
and remember where i am.
i have no regrets.

i see how God has blessed my parents.
even this house is SUCH a blessing.
we're on the 15th floor,
and our living room wall has HUGE windows
that overlook the Pacific Ocean and Busan Harbor.
i can even hear the waves crash against the rocks
right now.
and my home church in 대구
and the people i consider my family there.
it will be so good to see them.
and my social studies//history teacher
i've known since 8th grade.
it will be oh SO wonderful to see her, too.
and talk to her about the history classes i've taken in college.
and even just the opportunity in july to
GO to the philippines...

i think though...
this is the first time i haven't done what is expected of me.
(which would be to go to chapter camp)
and now i'm wondering.
'do i truly believe that God will work
regardless of me--my decisions,
my situations, my expectations?'
will He still speak to me here?

one of the most memorable parts of chapter camp last year
was when we had a retreat into silence for a few hours.
i sat on the beach of the lake.
after taking a walk around the lake.
with God.
waiting...
and God spoke to me.
maybe... the first ever recorded time in my life
where i distinctly remember hearing God's voice.

and... maybe the truth is that.
it's not really the new friends,
new inside jokes, new memories that i'm scared to miss.
but an opportunity for God to speak to me.
that i'm scared i'll miss...

i think, though,
God is trying to teach me that...
He'll do it. and He is bound-less, limit-less.
He doesn't need a retreat to tell me what He wants to say.
maybe He wants to break my idea of Him
and expand it into a larger one.
maybe He just wants me to hang out with Him at home.
or dance with Him in my huge living room
or go swim with Him in the ocean that's become my backyard.
maybe He just wants me to BE with Him...

im too blessed.

Says Chris Luo in our time of affirmations for U1sg leaders,
"Yeah, like everyone else said.
I think you're a very intense person, Aileen."

Thanks, Chris.
Intense I am,
and intense I shall be... (:

cuz this makes me smile!

what goes on on my ichats at 1 in the mornnnnn. (:

whatSUP yo! - a reflection

finally.

*warning: this is a long one.
but don't say i didn't warn you.!

i think i didn't realize the full extent of what SUP meant to me
until today.
i feel like my SUP story was NOT FULLY ACTIVATED
until AFTER the experience itself. and like. a month and half later...

honestly.
i had very little expectations of SUP
because... i had been looking forward to spring break
when i would be able to get away from classes
and the business of sg leading and running around.
and just stop.
and breathe.
and actually.
i was a little bitter.
well.. okay.
i was REALLY bitter.
because everyone else got to GO HOME.
and i could not.
and i didn't want to stick around.
i felt like i sacrificed SO MUCH for sg leading.
and not having been home since last summer
was taking its toll on me... in the form of bitterness.
i was just REALLY upset.
that... life didn't go how i wanted it to.
i felt like i always got the short end of the stick.
and i didn't want to be in berkeley.
i didn't want to be at sacramento.
i didn't want to be anywhere.
i just wanted to hide and be at "home"
but at the same time,
i didn't know what "home" meant to me anymore...
or even where my "home" was...

and so me going to SUP
was me fulfilling my duty as a sg leader.
and also me doing what was expected of me.
and me just being bitter against God
and saying. "okay.
well since i can't go home,
i might as well go to SERVE.
since i'm being miserable.
i might as well go all out."
and while SUP was SO good.
and i learned oh SO much there
and had a lot of my questions answered.
inside, i harbored a LOT of bitterness
and resentment.
and that especially came out when...
we had campus sharing time.

to be honest.
i struggled that time because...
my image of God wasn't FULL
and my idea of leadership was distorted.
i measured a good leader as equal to one who serves
and DOES a lot of things.
and id just put so much stock in my identity as a leader.
i felt like i ALWAYS needed to DO things.
and so...
i felt like the things we discussed at SUP
were things i had already learned about before,
had wrestled with,
and felt like i had failed
because i could not fully carry out what i had learned
and my expectations about them had not been met...
and then to hear other people from Berks
say that they want to try all these new things
and just be so in awe
and so inspired by our SUP community...
that made me upset and angry.
because...
they hadn't tried to help us out before
when WE attempted them!
it just seemed so unfair
cuz us, leaders, had been working so hard for ivccf
while other people hadn't cared before
and then now those people who hadn't cared
were finding so much joy and inspiration
while I, who had worked so hard, found hopelessness.
i was oh so resentful. maybe even jealous.
so even after coming back from SUP,
i couldn't say that i had a life-changing experience
like a lot of other people could.
because to me,
SUP was just a good time of fellowship,
rediscovering old truths,
seeing kingdom values lived out,
and just meeting new folks and forming relationships.
i mean, it was a big deal, but in my mind,
it wasn't life altering or life changing.
i think this is why i felt no need to blog about SUP before...

today, i went to merced.
it was a spontaneous endeavor.
but surprisingly, one throughout which
i just TRUSTED God, and said,
you make all things work together for my good.
and if you want us to go to Merced, you will get us there.
and God really followed through.
and not only did He take us there,
but He revealed so much to me through the trip itself.

i realized the LOVE and ENTHUSIASM
and just APPRECIATION we have for one another.
and its been truly a blessing to be able to partake in that.
i saw that even when i wasn't faithful to God--
my attitude when i was going to SUP and afterwards--
God was still SO faithful to me.
and He really just brought my whole year together
through this one visit.
and i really just. feel.. ready.
to take on anything. to pour out into everything.
and oh SO inspired. to give my 100%.
to live freely, and to live fully.
and really just experience God's lavish love for us
by SHARING it with others:
no bounds,
no expectations,
no strings attached...

i think what i am trying to say is.
i am living proof that God is Love.
He really has brought me through. thick and thin.
and He really has worked out ALL things together. for.my.good.
even when i didn't see or realize it.

this is not just a post to ramble on and on about SUP,
emphasizing how AMAZING it was (which is true)
and how good it is to be able to see the SUPpers again. (also true)
but to really THANK YOU who are in my life.
i REALLY love God.
i REALLY love ALL of you.
yes. ALL of you. nondiscriminant of SUP experience.
because without those around me.
i wouldn't have been able to experience
and materialize HIS love and grace.
YOU have been the answer to my prayers!
and i can say with confidence that
God ANSWERS PRAYERS!
because..
i'm pretty sure He's answered
every single one of mine...

i'm ready and excited for more!
and i think i've finally found a place i can call "home"
even away from home.
..i'll just leave it at that. (: