whatSUP yo! - a reflection

finally.

*warning: this is a long one.
but don't say i didn't warn you.!

i think i didn't realize the full extent of what SUP meant to me
until today.
i feel like my SUP story was NOT FULLY ACTIVATED
until AFTER the experience itself. and like. a month and half later...

honestly.
i had very little expectations of SUP
because... i had been looking forward to spring break
when i would be able to get away from classes
and the business of sg leading and running around.
and just stop.
and breathe.
and actually.
i was a little bitter.
well.. okay.
i was REALLY bitter.
because everyone else got to GO HOME.
and i could not.
and i didn't want to stick around.
i felt like i sacrificed SO MUCH for sg leading.
and not having been home since last summer
was taking its toll on me... in the form of bitterness.
i was just REALLY upset.
that... life didn't go how i wanted it to.
i felt like i always got the short end of the stick.
and i didn't want to be in berkeley.
i didn't want to be at sacramento.
i didn't want to be anywhere.
i just wanted to hide and be at "home"
but at the same time,
i didn't know what "home" meant to me anymore...
or even where my "home" was...

and so me going to SUP
was me fulfilling my duty as a sg leader.
and also me doing what was expected of me.
and me just being bitter against God
and saying. "okay.
well since i can't go home,
i might as well go to SERVE.
since i'm being miserable.
i might as well go all out."
and while SUP was SO good.
and i learned oh SO much there
and had a lot of my questions answered.
inside, i harbored a LOT of bitterness
and resentment.
and that especially came out when...
we had campus sharing time.

to be honest.
i struggled that time because...
my image of God wasn't FULL
and my idea of leadership was distorted.
i measured a good leader as equal to one who serves
and DOES a lot of things.
and id just put so much stock in my identity as a leader.
i felt like i ALWAYS needed to DO things.
and so...
i felt like the things we discussed at SUP
were things i had already learned about before,
had wrestled with,
and felt like i had failed
because i could not fully carry out what i had learned
and my expectations about them had not been met...
and then to hear other people from Berks
say that they want to try all these new things
and just be so in awe
and so inspired by our SUP community...
that made me upset and angry.
because...
they hadn't tried to help us out before
when WE attempted them!
it just seemed so unfair
cuz us, leaders, had been working so hard for ivccf
while other people hadn't cared before
and then now those people who hadn't cared
were finding so much joy and inspiration
while I, who had worked so hard, found hopelessness.
i was oh so resentful. maybe even jealous.
so even after coming back from SUP,
i couldn't say that i had a life-changing experience
like a lot of other people could.
because to me,
SUP was just a good time of fellowship,
rediscovering old truths,
seeing kingdom values lived out,
and just meeting new folks and forming relationships.
i mean, it was a big deal, but in my mind,
it wasn't life altering or life changing.
i think this is why i felt no need to blog about SUP before...

today, i went to merced.
it was a spontaneous endeavor.
but surprisingly, one throughout which
i just TRUSTED God, and said,
you make all things work together for my good.
and if you want us to go to Merced, you will get us there.
and God really followed through.
and not only did He take us there,
but He revealed so much to me through the trip itself.

i realized the LOVE and ENTHUSIASM
and just APPRECIATION we have for one another.
and its been truly a blessing to be able to partake in that.
i saw that even when i wasn't faithful to God--
my attitude when i was going to SUP and afterwards--
God was still SO faithful to me.
and He really just brought my whole year together
through this one visit.
and i really just. feel.. ready.
to take on anything. to pour out into everything.
and oh SO inspired. to give my 100%.
to live freely, and to live fully.
and really just experience God's lavish love for us
by SHARING it with others:
no bounds,
no expectations,
no strings attached...

i think what i am trying to say is.
i am living proof that God is Love.
He really has brought me through. thick and thin.
and He really has worked out ALL things together. for.my.good.
even when i didn't see or realize it.

this is not just a post to ramble on and on about SUP,
emphasizing how AMAZING it was (which is true)
and how good it is to be able to see the SUPpers again. (also true)
but to really THANK YOU who are in my life.
i REALLY love God.
i REALLY love ALL of you.
yes. ALL of you. nondiscriminant of SUP experience.
because without those around me.
i wouldn't have been able to experience
and materialize HIS love and grace.
YOU have been the answer to my prayers!
and i can say with confidence that
God ANSWERS PRAYERS!
because..
i'm pretty sure He's answered
every single one of mine...

i'm ready and excited for more!
and i think i've finally found a place i can call "home"
even away from home.
..i'll just leave it at that. (: