i just want to play in the ocean...

i came to the realization. that.
this is my first...

i've NEVER missed a major IV retreat/conference.
nso, fall con, doc, urbana, apa, sup, chapter camp...
heard of it? i've been there.
at least once.
if IV were school, i'd have perfect attendance.
and an A+.

and this is the first retreat that i've missed.
and it happens to be the HUGEST retreat of the year...
man oh man. what a change.

i'm kinda sad, i'm not gonna lie.
i'm worried, just a tad bit.
because those places are where relationships are strengthened
and new relationships are formed
as well as where a wellspring of inside jokes
and millions of memories are made...
only accessible to those who have been there.

for the FIRST TIME,
i'm not a part of that...
i feel like i've become an outsider in the IV community.

but. at the same time.
when i look up from this screen.
and SEE, with my own two eyes,
and remember where i am.
i have no regrets.

i see how God has blessed my parents.
even this house is SUCH a blessing.
we're on the 15th floor,
and our living room wall has HUGE windows
that overlook the Pacific Ocean and Busan Harbor.
i can even hear the waves crash against the rocks
right now.
and my home church in 대구
and the people i consider my family there.
it will be so good to see them.
and my social studies//history teacher
i've known since 8th grade.
it will be oh SO wonderful to see her, too.
and talk to her about the history classes i've taken in college.
and even just the opportunity in july to
GO to the philippines...

i think though...
this is the first time i haven't done what is expected of me.
(which would be to go to chapter camp)
and now i'm wondering.
'do i truly believe that God will work
regardless of me--my decisions,
my situations, my expectations?'
will He still speak to me here?

one of the most memorable parts of chapter camp last year
was when we had a retreat into silence for a few hours.
i sat on the beach of the lake.
after taking a walk around the lake.
with God.
waiting...
and God spoke to me.
maybe... the first ever recorded time in my life
where i distinctly remember hearing God's voice.

and... maybe the truth is that.
it's not really the new friends,
new inside jokes, new memories that i'm scared to miss.
but an opportunity for God to speak to me.
that i'm scared i'll miss...

i think, though,
God is trying to teach me that...
He'll do it. and He is bound-less, limit-less.
He doesn't need a retreat to tell me what He wants to say.
maybe He wants to break my idea of Him
and expand it into a larger one.
maybe He just wants me to hang out with Him at home.
or dance with Him in my huge living room
or go swim with Him in the ocean that's become my backyard.
maybe He just wants me to BE with Him...