i hate shopping.

today, my mom and i went shopping.
my first korea shopping experience in a long time.
and during this 3 hour endeavor.
i came to a series of questions//frustrations.

1- why must i be skinny or try to lose weight
to fit into fashionable clothes?
why is there a right weight and a right body size?
and why does it matter that i strive to meet that ideal?
i gained a lot of weight in the past school year.
so much to the point that i am SO ashamed of my body.
when i first saw my parents at the airport,
the first thing my dad said to me was,
"you gained a lot of weight, aileen, you know that?"
and this is the first time that my parents tell me to work out
and they're SERIOUS. and they keep insisting. on a regular basis.
this has never happened to me before.
i was always the skinny one of the family.
i was the dog who they fed their scraps to.
i was the one they tried to tempt with junk food late at night.
and this fact. my shame. and the source of it.
kept coming up as i tried on dress after dress
at the department store today, and found that i couldn't fit into many.
and then theres the fact that korean clothes sizes range from
size 0 to size 5 in ladies.
and i was constantly reminded that i'm not a "korean lady".
and honestly sometimes, i wish that i was.

2 - so why does it matter if i dress fashionably or not?
why does it matter so much what i wear?
why is it so important that i have the trendiest outfits?
and why do i feel so inferior when i feel like i'm under-dressed?
why do i have to dress like im an adult now that im 20,
and WHO decided that 20-year-olds must dress a certain way?
i've realized that...
i am a product of the fashion ideals of mom and sister.
taking whatever scraps they hand me, left and right,
listening to what they think i should wear and
filling my closet with such clothes they would approve of.
because, as i always say, "i suck at fashion."
but today, i got to thinking.
why do i need to be bossed around about what i wear?
why does it matter if my clothes fit
what my mom think is "fashionable" or "classy" or not?
throughout my years of shopping with mom and sister,
their lace-loving, black and white, vest and big-shirt styles,
i'd had my medium of expression of self suppressed.
if everyone has style,
then doesn't that mean that i have my own, as well?
and if i do, who actually cares what other people say?
but i look at the clothes that i wear now.
and see what the more fashionable people around me wear.
and i think, "dang, i wish i could dress like that."

3 - i'm so broken.
i have a lot of issues. things i always struggle with.
self image, ethnic identity, consumerism... to name a few.
i think that all of the frustrations listed above
hide in them deeper frustrations i have with myself.
things like...
not being able to love myself how i am,
trying to figure out how korean or how american i am,
feeling inferior to my sister,
trying to live out justice... to name a few.
and because of my deep struggles,
even mundane, everyday things like shopping bother me
and rub me the wrong way.
when they shouldn't.