easy breezy

beautiful
cover-girl.

I can suck it up.
I'm a big girl
with big dreams,
and big things to do,
in my big future.
But most importantly
I'm a big girl
with a big God,
big Papa,
watching out for my every move.



(but in my mind im
kicking & screaming:
i can't do this...
God, help me
pleaseeeeeeeee.)

something beautiful

When you come across something good,
you HAVE to share.
And that's me.

Every time I start to think too much
or the clouds begin to roll in to create storms in my head,
God brings in something new to show me the light
no matter what dark corner I see myself in.

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it...
It was he who gave some to be apostles,
some to be prophets,
some to be evangelists,
and some to be pastors and teachers,
to prepare God's people for works of service,
so that the body of Christ may be built up
until we all reach unity
in the faith
and in the knowledge of the Son of God
and become mature,
attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
Then we will no long be infants,
tossed back and forth by the waves
and blown here and there by every wind
of teaching
and by the cunning and craftiness of men
in their deceitful scheming.
Instead,
speaking the truth in LOVE,
we will in all things grow into Him
who is the Head, that is, Christ.

How lovely is your dwelling place.

millions of Peaches, Peaches for me.

So I was eating breakfast this morning.
And I was thinking.
about... fruit.
And how I actually have so many different stories behind each fruit.
And I associate different people
with different fruit...
It's not just because I've seen them eat it so much.
There is actually a story behind each person-fruit relationship.
So here's my list:

Peaches - my granpa (my dad's dad)
Apples, Mangos - my sister
Kiwis - my mom
Bananas - my cousins Joyce and Isaac
Pomegranates - my dad
Raspberries - my 할아버지 (my mom's dad)
Grapes - my 할머니 (my mom's mom)
Apricots - my granma (my dad's mom)
Plums - my friend Kristina
Strawberries - me.

I think the reason why I thought of this
was because I was eating a peach...
Or trying to eat a peach.
I realized I know how to cut almost every fruit.
Except a peach...
(And maybe a pineapple, just because I haven't tried.)
And then I was kind of sad.
Because peaches were what I claimed to be my favorite fruit...
for a while... except not really.
Because I love ALL fruits.
But peaches always make me think of my Granpa from my dad's side.
Whenever I eat a peach, I think about how,
when I was little and I used to live with my granparents
or used to visit them in California for the summers,
we rarely ate peaches.
And if we ate peaches, we ate it in secret in the kitchen,
while my granpa was studying or watching TV in the living room.
Because my granpa was deathly allergic to them.
If he even SAW peaches, he would have an allergic reaction...
so my mom and granma said...
I don't think it works like that,
but I just remember being scared that my granpa would walk in any second
and have an allergic reaction!
And I felt really worried every time I ate peaches in secret.
But I couldn't not eat them...
Peaches were SO good!
And then I would get really sad that
Granpa couldn't enjoy something THIS tasty...

And then many years later,
my sister (who hates fruits)
said that she can't eat fruits, especially peaches,
because her throat got itchy.
And then "OH! You must be allergic!"
was what my mom said.
And I thought that was really silly.
Even though my parents thought it was totally legit.
Since allergies, apparently, runs in the family,
and since my granpa was allergic,
my sister could totally be allergic.
But I didn't believe her.
Since she's been eating peaches fine her whole life til then.
And especially since she said the same thing about apples.
And then when she had her allergy test done,
they never said anything about apple or peach allergies.
Just corn and dust and pollen.
So I always though it was rude
that my sister faked my granpa's allergies.
Since his was so darn serious.

So these are all the things that run through my mind
every time I think about or eat peaches.
They are sweet and yum,
but there are some serious and sad things associated, too.
Not to mention the most recent story of my peach.
When I witnessed a CATERPILLAR wriggling around in my
oh so yummmmmm peach!
That could been my granpa in heaven,
trying to warn me not to eat peaches.
Maybe I'm secretly allergic
and only him and God know about it...

knowing. vs. KNOWING.

You know there are things that you know.
And then there are things that you KNOW.
You know, like head knowledge verses heart knowledge.
And although the conversion seems very simple,
the distance from your head to heart can be oh SO far.
But do not FEAR! God is near.
He is oh so good in every way.
And I can testify that He has taught me everything in REAL LIFE,
taught me those things that I learned in my bible study the past few weeks in ONE emotional night.
So now I KNOW... no, actually I REALLY KNOW.

Last night...
I learned SO much about God's timing.
And God does answer prayers.
And He does it with His knowledge of me,
which exceeds my knowledge of me by WAY more.
How crazy!
He redoubtably searches my heart and KNOWS me, inside and out.
Not only does he KNOW what I want, but He KNOWS what I need.
I thought I wanted a break with friends in a new and exciting place that is colder.
But God KNEW that actually,
I wanted a break at a different kind of home,
full of rest, full of good food, full of family, full of sunshine.
I learned that I need to depend on God in all things.
And not just "depend" on Him, like I pray to Him.
But to ACTUALLY depend on Him as in I listen to what He tells me.
This oh SO valuable lesson came at a cost, though.
A VERY high cost, financially and emotionally.
For me, AND more importantly, for MANY others.
I now know the full extent of how my actions can affect others.
And although I am ashamed to have committed such an act,
I am not regretful.
I know this is what God used to break me.
I'm too stubborn--He KNOWS way too well.
Any other way, and I would not have listened.
This was my 4:30 AM wake-up call.
Which came 12-hours too late.
But now that I look back on it... I would have to say...
God is good.
And I know God uses every incident for my good.
To build me up into that person He wants me to be,
to do whatever He wants me to do.
So once again.... I'm at this spot...
That spot that I'm always at after I inventory the damage after the storm.
The point where I begin to make renovations.
And look forward to the sunny days and the storms to come.
At the same time, remembering what has just passed.
If I'm the house, then
I've lost all my decorations.
I've lost my wallpaper.
I've lost my glass in my windows, my electricity.
I'm stripped down.
I'm humbled.
I'm exposed and naked.
But I'm with God.
And for this,
I'm excited.