sickness

i wanted to post about sac urban plunging
and all my deep thoughts
and awesome things i reflected on in the past week,
but there is something more pressing on my mind.
er... in my head.
this deep throbbing
that won't relent.
and this suffocating feeling in my sinuses
that won't let go of me.
it's this sickness
that i feel like i've been wrestling with for weeks
and weeks
and weeks
and weeks now.
literally.

i think prior to this experience,
i used to think of sickness as somewhat of a cool thing.
a kind of accessory that you wear
once a year,
maybe twice if you're so unfortunate...
but something that gives you a good excuse
and preferential treatment
or possibly the exact opposite of preferential treatment.
so i guess, even though...
a nasally voice, congested sinuses, and achey, coughey throat
are all very annoying things,
i did not complain too much about being sick.
i might even dare to say that i enjoyed being sick.
i never took medicine,
and just let the natural course of my sickness
have its way in me.

but NOT SO with this current sickness.
first of all,
i've been sick for almost 2 months.
i am pretty sure there is something abnormal there.
and secondly,
not only do i have a stuffy nose,
and achey throat,
i have this throbbing pain in my head
that will NOT go away, no matter what i do.
i sit down, it's still there.
i lay down, it throbs even harder.
i stand up, and my head is about to explode.
i pray and pray and pray.
yet all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep
so i won't have to feel this dull, throbbing pain
that won't leave me alone.
i am so distracted from my studies
and everything else i need and WANT so badly to do.
simply by this sickness.
this pain in my head.
may sakit ng ulo ko.
and for once i DON'T WANT IT.
i want to be free from this sickness.
i see now.
being sick is NOT cool in any way whatsoever.
it is life preventing and life hindering.
and i'm willing to do anything to get rid of it.
i've constantly been taking drugs - tylenol, nyquil, emergen-C...
and without a doubt, i will go to the Tang when it opens tomorrow.

and all of this just makes me think...
how about those who have lived with sickness
all their lives.
the kind of sickness they can never get rid of?
i have the option of getting better,
but what about those who don't?
i complain about a little headache,
but what about the bigger pains in life
that millions of others suffer from?
even as i type this,
i think of my sister,
who hasn't been as blessed with good health
as i have been.
she's lived with asthma and allergies of all different kinds,
and even a weak immune system, all her life.
and i would be so annoyed with her
always coughing and blowing her nose.
but actually,
that is me right now.
and i had no room to condemn her of her sickness.
just because i was blessed with better health.
and it was not even by her own choice that she was sick.
and as much as i am in pain right now
and feeling very inadequate
and very worried about this 4 pg essay i need to write...
i thank God for blessing me.
because with one experience,
i am better able to understand
and feel
the pain of so many others
than i had ever been able to before...

post-it of a plump and greedy old 부자

God,
i DEMAND answers.
and i DEMAND justice.
i absolutely NEED to know.
!!!